Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I can't get an automatic faucet to turn on, I achieve a whole new level of low self esteem.

   thought about being a gynecologist...i hear there's plenty of openings

   I would play right field and scratch my balls every night for way less than 5 mil a year.

   That time after the break up when your driving and the only radio stations you are left with are talk radio and mexican polka.

   Biggest lie- I'm not drinking no more after tonight

   Jessie is a friend. He has a pet squirrel that brings him tacos. You know, I wish I had Jessie's squirrel.

   What's with all the lame Obama jokes now? He's not been President for over a week. He's gone.....

   I'm having an old person moment....How do I work the camera on my microwave?

   It's not called "Looting" .... Under this administration's politically correct policies .... it's called "Undocumented Shopping"

   Socialism works so well, people build boats from trash to escape it.

   The internet is blowing up over the first lady's shoes?? Is this what we've come to in America??

   I'm sure those pesky Russians are behind these hurricanes!!

   sn't gonna buy the new i-pad......I hear next years version is coming with wings....I can wait! :-)

   ...didn't even know that Lindsay Lohan was addicted to milk. I thought it was crack...

   Spent the whole day checking items off my task list. In retrospect, I probably should have used that time to complete tasks

   just pressed the REFRESH Button of her life, and Wowww it feels great :D

   saw a one armed man in a second hand store the other day.

   Ok, does it make me too competitive, if I begin deleting friends solely because I can not beat their Bejeweled and or Family Feud scores?

   I never quite know exactly what I'm talking about.

   I think I could be a farmer. Except for the dirt, waking up early, wearing overalls and planting crops. But I wouldn't mind driving a tractor around.