Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just made a dentist appt to have my eyes checked. I can't hear a thing.

   When I fall asleep watching a movie, why do people even ask me, "Are you sleeping?" Goddamit Captain Obvious! Isn't the drool a clear indication?

   DID YOU KNOW : They automatically qualify you for AARP if you provide an " AOL" email address

   Opening a chain of gynecologist offices called "All Up In Yo Business."

   People who reach the Facebook maximum friends limit of 5000 and go on to open an additional Facebook account are a$$holes!!

   Saw a girl at Starbucks with a duck face. Felt bad because I left my bread crumbs at home.

   I was way too drunk last night to drive home. So I drove to another party.

   A black guy with a parrot on his shoudler walks into a bar. So they go to the bar to order a drink and the bartender goes 'hey thats cool where did you get one of those?' So the parrot goes 'oh there's millions of them in Africa.'

   So Paul Walker was cremated... I hate to point out the obvious...

   Hello? Yes, I would like to cancel those vacation plans to beautiful Ferguson, MO.

   My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned ... couldn't concentrate.

   damn woman...you are like the herpes of drunk texting...you never go away.

   thinks the future isn't quite what it used to be

   on the positive side, somewhere in a third world country people now have these sweet Pittsburgh steelers Superbowl champions shirts and hats to wear!!

   Maybe she's born with it... Maybe it's Maybelline. Or maybe it's Photoshop

   Guy's Remember : While You're Sitting There All Day Playing Call Of Duty , Your Girl Is Calling Someone Else To Come And Do Your Duty .

   ...just heard that Tampax is replacing the strings with tinsel this month. ...Ladies, get them soon, supplies only last for the the Christmas period!

   If abortion is murder, aren't comdoms kidnapping?

   The reason you can't go back afrer going black is because none of them have a car to take you back or a job to buy gas.

   the reason Santa even has a naughty list!!!!!