Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If Magic Mike isn't a movie about Magic Johnson and Mike Tyson having 'tickle fights' I'm going to be pissed.

   There is nothing worse than when the car in front of you stops at a yellow light and you have to get home to take a dump.

   I did this weird thing once where I almost left the house happy.

   The 3 scariest words your girlfriend can ever say to you... "notice anything different?"

   I want to sleep but my mind keeps talking to itself.

   Sometimes one middle finger isn't enough to let someone know how you feel. That's why you have two hands.

   Yeah let's clone some sheep cause dinosaurs would be too awesome." - Scientists.

   It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday always just exactly fits the newspaper

   I hope they have Facebook in heaven...

   Kissing burns 58 calories an hour.

   Forget health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

   Mash the great here to save the day again! Thanks man.

   Somewhere-In-The-Hood: There's a dog roaming free, no leash, no owner.

   I've come to realize I have very few friends at work. I have acquaintances, and approximately half of them will sell you out in a heartbeat.

   Sometimes I like to just sit alone and think about things... I've noticed that if I do it for too long my legs fall asleep and I can't get off the toilet.

   When sh!t goes down and lines are drawn and sides are taken, that's when you find out who was real and who was faking.

   I encourage more people to become hipsters. Eventually, it will make them mainstream and the self loathing can truly begin.

   it crazy that when I go to stores and have to sign my name for stuff I sign "Daffy Duck"...I mean I guess its not a problem unless Daffy Duck steals my identity right??

   I must say you really have a open mind... and a mouth to match.

   Women and tax forms have a lot in common…Men love to cheat on them.