Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I want to sleep but my mind keeps talking to itself.

   Sometimes one middle finger isn't enough to let someone know how you feel. That's why you have two hands.

   Yeah let's clone some sheep cause dinosaurs would be too awesome." - Scientists.

   It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday always just exactly fits the newspaper

   I hope they have Facebook in heaven...

   Kissing burns 58 calories an hour.

   Forget health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

   Mash the great here to save the day again! Thanks man.

   Somewhere-In-The-Hood: There's a dog roaming free, no leash, no owner.

   I've come to realize I have very few friends at work. I have acquaintances, and approximately half of them will sell you out in a heartbeat.

   Sometimes I like to just sit alone and think about things... I've noticed that if I do it for too long my legs fall asleep and I can't get off the toilet.

   When sh!t goes down and lines are drawn and sides are taken, that's when you find out who was real and who was faking.

   I encourage more people to become hipsters. Eventually, it will make them mainstream and the self loathing can truly begin.

   it crazy that when I go to stores and have to sign my name for stuff I sign "Daffy Duck"...I mean I guess its not a problem unless Daffy Duck steals my identity right??

   I must say you really have a open mind... and a mouth to match.

   Women and tax forms have a lot in common…Men love to cheat on them.

   Satan has a new room mate!!! Bin Laden is dead!

   has Finally figured out the difference between us. You're me if I tried too hard!

   BED AND BREAKFAST: Two things the kids will never make for themselves.

   Finding out someone still used dial-up is like finding out they had a recent death in the family. "You gotta see this video.. you.. oh, god man, I'm sorry. I didn't know. Let me know if you need anything, ok?"