Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   let a blind guy borrow money tonight,he said he'll pay me back next time he see's me...wait a minute......

   I'm always the first one to say "I love you" in a gangbang.

   Why does lemonade contain artificial flavors but furniture polish contains real lemons?

   If your palm itches, you're going to get something. If your crotch itches, you've already got it.

   I smile at dogs more than I smile at people.

   Cop: Sir,do I have your permission to search your vehicle ? Me: If I say no,will you bring the K-9 unit out ? Cop: Yes ! Me: Can I pet the dog ?

   I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.

   Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school? Me: no Therapist: no come on, they must have

   I was talking to my dog about you all and he agrees you're crazy.

   When Robert E. Lee was in high school, I wonder if he was voted "Most Likely to Secede."

   Plan to change the air in your tires soon. Replace that winter air in your tires for best inflation during summer months. Most mechanics will do this for you for free on April 1st.

   Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.

   I'm so crazy I'm thinking about springing forward right now....see you in an hour!

   Michigan State has a new course on surviving a zombie apocalypse. I think it's a trap because the prerequisites are English 101 & Brrrains!!!

   I was serenading under this chick's window and she still blew me off. Luckily, her grandma was old school. Score!

   Everyone was so disappointed when I announced, "the next round is on me!" and then came back from the bar with a fistful of Capri Suns

   Eventually we'll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.

   Daytime commercials assume there are a ton of great inventors that watch crappy shows and are super gullible.

   Note to self: Don't taunt the neighbor's bull dog while wearing flip flops. 

   If you take the number of minutes it took someone to text you back, multiply it by five & subtract your age, you've got WAY too much free time.