Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

   I must have drank more than I thought last night...there's an entire hour that I don't remember!

   Back seat drivers are all the same. It's always "This isn't the way to my house.", "Why are we going into the woods?" and "Stop the car and let me out."

   Your candy bowl on your desk is the only reason why I come into work on Mondays.

   Interesting Fact: 87% of people are happily single because they don't want to share their pizza with anyone.

   Ladies, if you want free birth control, try wearing a Nancy Pelosi mask when having sex.

   WOW. Someone needs a Happy Meal.

   It's English, not 'American English'. There is no such thing as 'American English', there is English and there are people who don't know how to speak or write English.

   Angry people who can't take a joke have no idea how hilarious they are to those of us who can

   The stupidest, ugliest Presidential campaign in my entire life: House of Cards meets Sharknado...

   I just want a woman that will look out for me while I'm shaking the vending machine....

   I prefer my water to be frozen into cubes and completely surrounded by vodka and tonic...

   life is short…smile while you still have teeth

   Todays advice: If you are offended by the words "In God We Trust" on your money, then send it to me. I don't mind it at all.

   After seeing Caitlyn photos, I'm starting to doubt if Lady Gaga is a drag queen.

   i think my inner child really kinda runs the place!

   I just tossed two almonds in my bag of skittles. So now it's TRAIL MIX, and therefore healthy.

   I honestly think my dog feels almost no remorse at how messy she makes my house.

   I respect womens opinions until they say they're in a relationship.

   Motivate people to talk about themselves, but not to the extent they punch you.