Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Status message updates and sayings for your Facebook, Twitter, or Whatsapp profile.

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   messageicon Women won't date a guy that still lives with his Mom, but will date a guy thats still lives with his wife = But that's none of my business.
←Rate | 02-09-2016 23:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm always weirdly proud when my pee is clear. Like, hell ya, I'm so damn hydrated.
←Rate | 02-09-2016 23:37 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It was the home of Buffalo Bill in "The Silence Of The Lambs." Now, nobody wants to live there. Heck, I wonder why....
←Rate | 02-09-2016 23:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just heard that Bernie beat Hillary. This is getting out of hand! At least Donald Trump doesn't beat women!
←Rate | 02-09-2016 22:49 by Vaterpop Comments (0)  

   messageicon Looks like Hillary got Berned in New Hampshire.
←Rate | 02-09-2016 20:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
←Rate | 02-09-2016 15:32 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon Congrats again to Peyton Manning. I just hope it doesn't go to his forehead.
←Rate | 02-09-2016 15:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I came home from the gym this morning staggering and sweating after pushing my body to the limit … And all I did was sign up.
←Rate | 02-09-2016 14:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Success is a little like wrestling a gorilla. You don’t quit when you’re tired. You quit when the gorilla is tired.
←Rate | 02-09-2016 14:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My wife is going to the hair salon today. For the next few hours I'll be practicing my reaction.
←Rate | 02-09-2016 14:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's almost Valentines Day and I still don't know what to get myself yet.
←Rate | 02-09-2016 14:09 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Success is 1% inspiration 98% perspiration and 2% attention to detail.
←Rate | 02-09-2016 14:02 by John Y Comments (0)  

   messageicon Opening a yoga studio just for dogs called NamaSit&Stay.... *Self,,,,Prepare to be rich
←Rate | 02-09-2016 10:50 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon Relationship status: Looking for a good woman to stand up to my mom for me.
←Rate | 02-09-2016 10:42 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just walked into a public restroom. Seriously? What angle does one have to be to achieve that particular splatter pattern?
←Rate | 02-09-2016 10:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Time Management training? I can't go to that. I'm too busy!
←Rate | 02-09-2016 07:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Every time I change my mind, I always have parts left over. Who needs a medulla oblongata, anyway?
←Rate | 02-09-2016 07:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon ... Finally made it to that great part of the relationship where I can now fart and drink beer on the couch and she only gives me a dirty look ..... instead of running out of the room screeming! Life is good :-)
←Rate | 02-09-2016 00:55 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ever feel like whatever TV show you're binging at the moment becomes your baseline for reality?
←Rate | 02-08-2016 23:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Beyonce made a song called "Single Ladies" then went home to her husband and left you lonely women dancing in a circle pretending to be happy.
←Rate | 02-08-2016 23:41 Comments (0)  

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