Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Ya'll best be voting for Hillary if you wanna keep gettin' dem food stamps to sell
←Rate | 06-11-2016 01:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If the first thing Trump says after he wins the election isn't " You're Fired!" I will be highly disappointed
←Rate | 06-10-2016 23:38 by Tom Comments (0)  

   messageicon Turns out that the "Poop Deck" was improperly named. Apparently ..... that is what something called the "Head" is for! Guess I soulda done more research before I went on this cruise.
←Rate | 06-10-2016 23:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm 40 years old and I just had a 45 minute argument with a 8 year old....Da Fuk you mean "Frozen" was better then 'Shrek"?
←Rate | 06-10-2016 20:55 Comments (0)  

   messageicon ... If you think seven years back luck for breaking a mirror is bad .... Try breaking a condom.
←Rate | 06-10-2016 18:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I got an idea for my new company I wana start a company that makes condoms and caskets the slogan would be We always got you covered weather ur cummin or goin
←Rate | 06-10-2016 17:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon .... Hey ... instead of complaining when the fat TSA agent makes you take your shoes off at the airport because of that failed shoe bombing attempt...... Be very grateful ....... because there was also a failed underwear bombing attempt.
←Rate | 06-10-2016 14:50 Comments (1)  

   messageicon I just don't want to look back and think "I could've eaten that'
←Rate | 06-10-2016 13:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Hillary told Donald Trump to delete his Twitter account. Funny, she wants him to treat it like her govt emails
←Rate | 06-10-2016 11:01 by Kman68 Comments (0)  

   messageicon There are cartons of milk in my fridge that lasted longer than Paul Ryan.
←Rate | 06-10-2016 01:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Pretended to eat dog food so my dog would want to eat. Not only does he still not want to eat, but pretty sure he lost all respect for me.
←Rate | 06-10-2016 01:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Seeing happy couples in commericals makes me happy because I know they're just actors and are probably single and depressed like me.
←Rate | 06-10-2016 01:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Do not -- I repeat, DO NOT -- use peppermint oil as a lubricant.
←Rate | 06-10-2016 01:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I love yoga class. Except my yoga class is on my couch with a donut and instead of stretching, I cramp up due to lack of activity.
←Rate | 06-10-2016 01:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you build it they will come is why I don't build anything.
←Rate | 06-10-2016 01:37 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Throwing out a stale donut today. Please respect my privacy at this very difficult time.
←Rate | 06-10-2016 01:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When someone accuses me of having too many items in the "15 items or less" line, I tell them I'm dyslexic and then they feel bad.
←Rate | 06-10-2016 01:29 Comments (1)  

   messageicon I've spent one day as a verified account on Facebook and I still haven't gotten laid.
←Rate | 06-10-2016 01:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you play a Nickelback CD backwards you hear Ozzy laughing at you because you bought a Nickelback CD.
←Rate | 06-10-2016 01:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My Mom always told me to carry a scissors point upward so if I fall I wouldn't ruin her carpet.
←Rate | 06-10-2016 01:23 Comments (0)  

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