Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Status message updates and sayings for your Facebook, Twitter, or Whatsapp profile.

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   messageicon My Mother in law Joined ISIS this morning.. She leaves tomorrow on a suicide mission.. At least that's what the papers I just signed said ..
←Rate | 12-18-2015 19:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon That moment when ya reach down t'ween your legs to pull the handle to slide your car seat forward, but it won't move, so you keep try over and over to only realize that from the outside it probably looks like you're vigorously humping your own forearm
←Rate | 12-18-2015 16:35 by paulyanez Comments (0)  

   messageicon My sex life is like a Ferrari, I don't F¥€|^£ have a Ferrari
←Rate | 12-18-2015 16:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why is it that a lot of the people who think everyone is too easily offended these days act like you just insulted their mother by saying "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas"?
←Rate | 12-18-2015 15:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm not bragging, but I wear the same size earing I used to wear in Junior high ..
←Rate | 12-18-2015 14:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Some idiot posted spoilers and totally ruined my Alvin & The Chipmunks: The Road Chip experience
←Rate | 12-18-2015 14:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Wait... what? Han is now gay and that is why Leai goes on the suicide mission where she dies?
←Rate | 12-18-2015 13:45 by HotTea Comments (0)  

   messageicon If I don't catch you sniffing a pair of my panties, are we really even cousins?
←Rate | 12-18-2015 13:37 Comments (0)  

   messageicon ♪ ♩♩ ♬ On the 12th Day of Christmas my Facebook gave to me, 12 dudes I'm blocking, 11 friends just watching, 10 corny topics, 9 busted barbies, 8 friends complaining, 7 stalkers stalking, 6 party invites, Fiiiiiiiiiiiiive Drama Queeeensssss,
←Rate | 12-18-2015 12:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you like Star Wars. Your Special. Will you fix my Computer!!!!??
←Rate | 12-18-2015 10:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you put ISIS and your mother-in-law together all you going to see is pure f**king evil...
←Rate | 12-18-2015 05:28 by XXX-FUXY Comments (0)  

   messageicon Am I crazy or a ...?!
←Rate | 12-17-2015 23:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Star Wars is out Bar Scene is dead Thanks a lot Harrison Ford.
←Rate | 12-17-2015 23:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon to anyone who spoils the movie, you'll feel my Han...Solo
←Rate | 12-17-2015 22:46 by Eddy Comments (0)  

   messageicon You know someone's having a little too much fun at your party , when they mistake your dogs Kong for a buttplug .
←Rate | 12-17-2015 22:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If old french fries were weapons,,, I would be able to kill anyone trying to carjack me
←Rate | 12-17-2015 19:45 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon Do the villains in Scooby-Doo know they have the right to remain silent?
←Rate | 12-17-2015 18:22 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon From the Paris Climate Change Conference: Santa is required to put solar panels in the stockings of naughty kids.
←Rate | 12-17-2015 16:36 by lkl627 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I have no problem getting S3X...the tough part is deciding which hand to use.
←Rate | 12-17-2015 16:15 by Rosie Palm Comments (0)  

   messageicon The thing that disturbs me the most about social media,is when I see a woman from the high school days who didn't age very well, and I think to myself, "Man, I can't believe I zherked off to that."
←Rate | 12-17-2015 15:24 by Mickey Comments (0)  

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