Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Status message updates and sayings for your Facebook, Twitter, or profile.

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   messageicon 3rd straight week without drinking alcohol. People separated from your loved ones now I totally understand you struggle and pain.
←Rate | 03-21-2015 09:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon great news for those that talk $hit....PREPARATION H is now available as a chapstick!!
←Rate | 03-21-2015 09:15 by Bob Comments (0)  

   messageicon You seen one solar eclipse, you seen em all. If you want, I can show you a full moon any day of the week though. . .
←Rate | 03-20-2015 19:14 by JAB Comments (0)  

   messageicon "Ummmm. Excuxse me! My eyes are up HERE!" "Umm... but your tits are down there."
←Rate | 03-20-2015 15:28 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Being a Buffalo Bills fan is similar to being Rick Grimes. You're pretty much hopeless. When there is a sign of hope... all hope is crushed by the Governor aka Bill Belichick.
←Rate | 03-20-2015 15:27 by Drizz Comments (0)  

   messageicon Say what you want about Kris Jenner, but she sure can raise a gaggle of whores.
←Rate | 03-20-2015 15:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Like my uncle Gary always used to say, "Don't bother, they won't beleive you anyway"
←Rate | 03-20-2015 15:18 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Yes!! 1,000 times Yes! I WILL like the Facebook page of the architecture firm your a part-time receptionist at, girl I met at a party once.
←Rate | 03-20-2015 15:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'd be the stripper that got fired for eating her way out of the cake instead of jumping out of it.
←Rate | 03-20-2015 15:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Not sure why my wife is only mad at me, our 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
←Rate | 03-20-2015 15:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I haven't done a taste test, but I'm pretty sure a bleached butthole tastes the same as a regular butthole.
←Rate | 03-20-2015 15:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon How do YOU know your baby doesn't like my second hand smoke? It can't even talk yet.
←Rate | 03-20-2015 15:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon PRO TIP: If you see a woman crying, never ask if its because of her hair.
←Rate | 03-20-2015 15:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Turning sex into babies is probably my least favoritte miricle.
←Rate | 03-20-2015 15:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I really worry about people who have Jesus as their pilot. I don't think they even had airplanes back then.
←Rate | 03-20-2015 15:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm at my most Oprah when I'm giving out the airplaine liquor bottles stashed in my purse to all the mom's at a kid's birthday party.
←Rate | 03-20-2015 15:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Being a lesbian sounds fun, you can get your nails painted while you scissor.
←Rate | 03-20-2015 15:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm still a child at heart which is why I only watch cartoon porn on Saturday mornings.
←Rate | 03-20-2015 15:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Every time I eat ribs it looks like there was a BBQkkake party on my face.
←Rate | 03-20-2015 15:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon What do we want?!? GOOD DECISIONS!!!!! When do we want them?!? BEFORE LAST NIGHT!!!!
←Rate | 03-20-2015 15:03 Comments (0)  

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