Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon 1001 crockpot recipes that all taste like beige mush.
←Rate | 08-11-2016 06:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My cable just went out while watching the Olympics but Comcast told me they would be out to fix it between 8 AM tomorrow and the 2020 games.
←Rate | 08-11-2016 06:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I feel like everyone at this farmers market not eating a McGriddle thinks they are better than me.
←Rate | 08-11-2016 05:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Feels weird pouring this local single sourced organic raw honey on a biscuit from KFC.
←Rate | 08-11-2016 05:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you write a bunch of tweets about the farmers market from your couch on Sunday morning you can trick people into thinking you do stuff.
←Rate | 08-11-2016 05:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Diary, 1991: wrote that I hoped to meet a guy who'd say "everything I do, I do it for you," then put "besides Jesus" so he wouldn't get mad.
←Rate | 08-11-2016 05:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Very worried that the Olympics might get rid of fencing back when they got rid of landscaping and freestyle carpentry.
←Rate | 08-11-2016 05:55 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Other Moms packing healthy school lunches while I'm redistributing the contents of a nacho Lunchable into a $30 bento box.
←Rate | 08-11-2016 05:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Not that anyone asked outright, but yes, my tambourine lessons are coming along nicely.
←Rate | 08-11-2016 05:52 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Wake up America. If a place tries to put potatoes in your burrito, you are getting robbed on meat.
←Rate | 08-11-2016 05:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Haven't been to war, but I've been to a water park where "fun" is climbing rope ladders barefoot while buckets of water are dumped on you.
←Rate | 08-11-2016 05:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just said some pretty harsh things about this gymnast falling off the uneven bars considering I've fallen out of my bed before.
←Rate | 08-11-2016 05:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When women watch Bachelor in Paradise it's like the television equivalent of microwaving fish.
←Rate | 08-11-2016 05:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Grew up in the south so for me a fancy restaurant was a place that offered you the choice of biscuit or cornbread.
←Rate | 08-11-2016 05:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Settle down homemade play dough parents.
←Rate | 08-11-2016 05:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I may not be able to swim fast but I did just arrange these onion rings to look like olympic rings.
←Rate | 08-11-2016 05:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon One time I told a rival dad that the air pressure looked low in one of his tires right in front of a group of people.
←Rate | 08-11-2016 05:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon No offense but I wanna set you on fire.
←Rate | 08-11-2016 03:30 by Psycho Comments (0)  

   messageicon if Trump can't keep people from climbing his tower, how is he going to keep them from climbing his wall?
←Rate | 08-11-2016 02:37 by Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don't care, therefore I am happy.
←Rate | 08-11-2016 01:26 Comments (0)  

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