Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

Sort:  Recent   |  Oldest  |  Rating
Filter On | Filter Off | No Trump

Search Messages:
Page: 247 of 5745

   messageicon Beyonce should really stick it to Trump by going ahead with the abortion
←Rate | 02-03-2017 09:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
←Rate | 02-03-2017 08:22 by Mikey c Comments (0)  

   messageicon "Dating" is an anachronistic, nebulous means of defining a relationship. All it means is both parties are duping each other into some degree of permanency. Wait...that's marriage. I meant marriage.
←Rate | 02-03-2017 07:51 by Mickey Comments (0)  

   messageicon Have you ever wondered if there is such a thing as identical twins in zebras?
←Rate | 02-03-2017 07:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon pretty sure my girlfriend got her superpowers from being bit by a radioactive female dog.
←Rate | 02-02-2017 22:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dr: So, how did you dislocate your shoulder? Me: I panicked when the blood pressure machine at the store got tigh- I mean football..
←Rate | 02-02-2017 20:05 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why does this day just keep repeating itself?
←Rate | 02-02-2017 20:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn't leave you. Me : Really? Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
←Rate | 02-02-2017 20:04 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (0)  

   messageicon If there are ice cream trucks in the summer, why aren't there hot chocolate trucks in the winter?
←Rate | 02-02-2017 18:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I reenacted the romantic scene from "Lady and the Tramp", but it wasn't what I expected; my dog ate all the spaghetti.
←Rate | 02-02-2017 17:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Porn is the one industry where segregating races, genders, sexual preference, is completely acceptable
←Rate | 02-02-2017 17:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon DUI attorneys should buy some ad space on those Taco Bell hot sauce packets
←Rate | 02-02-2017 17:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Beyonce has more African American people in her belly than Trump has in his cabinet.
←Rate | 02-02-2017 17:47 by JW Comments (1)  

   messageicon I'd be willing to sleep my way to the top if it actually meant sleeping.
←Rate | 02-02-2017 17:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it’s for them?
←Rate | 02-02-2017 17:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don't really WANT to make bad choices; but I'm always late, and all the good choices are already taken..
←Rate | 02-02-2017 17:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon One way to find out if you're old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you're young, if they panic, you're old.
←Rate | 02-02-2017 17:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Donald Trump's hair saw its shadow. We have six more weeks of protesting.
←Rate | 02-02-2017 17:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm a fantastic secret-keeper because, deep down, I really don't care enough to actually talk about it to anyone else.
←Rate | 02-02-2017 17:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm not the type of guy to " keep the little woman in the kitchen" Not when there is yard work to do and a car to wash !
←Rate | 02-02-2017 17:36 Comments (0)  

Submit your own funny facebook status message here:
Status Message:

... characters left