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Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Status message updates and sayings for your Facebook, Twitter, or profile.
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   messageicon Relationship status: runs alone at night in hopes of being abducted.
←Rate | 01-30-2015 01:35 Comments (0)

   messageicon I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
←Rate | 01-30-2015 01:27 by Czovczov Comments (0)

   messageicon The inventor of the toilet must've had a rough time at his presentation. "Oh here comes Gary with his poop throne idea"
←Rate | 01-30-2015 01:25 Comments (0)

   messageicon You had me at "Hello"... But you lost me when you kept talking.
←Rate | 01-30-2015 00:59 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)

   messageicon Does anyone have an alternative to a tea that helps you sleep at night? Sometimes I just cover my mouth with chloroform but then I'm typically late for work the next morning...
←Rate | 01-30-2015 00:42 by Adam Drizzy Comments (0)

   messageicon Because I'm a gentleman, I'll carry you to the kitchen afterwards so you can make me a sandwich.
←Rate | 01-30-2015 00:39 by Czovczov Comments (0)

   messageicon There's a contaminated water scare in my town and I haven't used my bidet in two days because I don't want E. coli in my bum.
←Rate | 01-30-2015 00:19 by Gripenfelter Comments (0)

   messageicon Dang it I just broke the screen on my phone. Now my sex life is shattered.
←Rate | 01-29-2015 18:23 Comments (0)

   messageicon We should be less worried about serial killers dumping bodies around the country and more concerned that it's always someone jogging that discovers them. THOSE are the people we should be looking out for...
←Rate | 01-29-2015 17:33 by RJB224 Comments (0)

   messageicon Prop bets: What are the odds that Katy Perry's first song will suck?
←Rate | 01-29-2015 16:36 by T-Dub Comments (0)

   messageicon I'm just here so I won't get fined.
←Rate | 01-29-2015 13:11 by Bobo the Chimp Comments (0)

   messageicon We can only blame ourselves for all the crime and violence today, we removed all the phone booths and now Superman has nowhere to change...
←Rate | 01-29-2015 12:57 Comments (0)

   messageicon Some people are like eye-candy... I'm more like eye-meatloaf.
←Rate | 01-29-2015 12:27 by andrew jackson Comments (0)

   messageicon The only F word out a woman's mouth that scares me is "fine."
←Rate | 01-29-2015 12:26 by andrew jackson Comments (0)

   messageicon Fact: you don't have to be a Girl Scout to sell Girl Scout cookies, hussle smart my friends
←Rate | 01-29-2015 11:02 Comments (0)

   messageicon You had me at "family history of premature death".
←Rate | 01-29-2015 09:27 Comments (0)

   messageicon The fact that Burger King can sell you 10 chicken nuggets for $1.49 should concern you more than it should entice you
←Rate | 01-29-2015 09:09 Comments (0)

   messageicon Marys dragging me to some play tonight #bored #killme
←Rate | 01-29-2015 08:30 by Abraham Lincoln Comments (0)

   messageicon The worst part about watching Fox Network are all the commercials for $hitty shows on Fox.
←Rate | 01-28-2015 20:10 Comments (0)

   messageicon Hey Hipsters, while you're busy fighting the system, Apple made $19 billion last quarter.
←Rate | 01-28-2015 19:52 Comments (0)

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