Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Status message updates and sayings for your Facebook, Twitter, or Whatsapp profile.

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   messageicon Why the f*ck you buy your kid an 18+ video game and then blame the video game industry for the content?
←Rate | 02-28-2016 03:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Get chased down by 83 angry wasps or replacing your toilet paper with steel wool. You choose your awesome Sunday adventure....
←Rate | 02-28-2016 03:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Let's all hear Donald Trump's rendition to Adele's hit song "Hello".
←Rate | 02-28-2016 03:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My life goal is to buy white jeans and spill grape juice on them.
←Rate | 02-28-2016 03:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Who wants to babysit for the Duggars' and the Romney's at the same time?
←Rate | 02-28-2016 03:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sundays: Kinda wanna workout, kinda wanna eat loaded cheese fries, kinda wanna nap for five days, kinda wanna get my life together by 2:39 pm on Thursday.
←Rate | 02-28-2016 03:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dear liver, the weekend is almost over, hang in there little one. Love you.
←Rate | 02-28-2016 03:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon What's my type? Someone who's supportive. Someone who comforts me when I need them. Someone I can curl up and relax with. Oh great, I'm describing my bed again.
←Rate | 02-28-2016 03:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The amount of memes that relate to my life is becoming increasingly embarrassing.
←Rate | 02-28-2016 03:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I've spent 83.2% of my adult life resetting my password.
←Rate | 02-28-2016 03:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Me laughing: I don't drink to get drunk, I drink wait, I definitely drink to get drunk.
←Rate | 02-28-2016 03:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My signature move is to bottle up my feelings over time and then combust over some small issue and get accused of being a psycho.
←Rate | 02-28-2016 02:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Loneliness is very dangerous. It's addicting. Once you see how peaceful it is, you don't want to deal with people while working at any gas station.
←Rate | 02-28-2016 02:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's called karma, and it's pronounced "Haha f*ck you!"
←Rate | 02-28-2016 02:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sorry kids, you're definitely not getting any inheritance. All that money went towards the booze I needed to put up with you.
←Rate | 02-28-2016 02:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I made the mistake of asking Siri what women want....she has been talking non-stop for the last 3 days.
←Rate | 02-28-2016 02:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My personal style is best described as "didn't expect to get out of the car."
←Rate | 02-28-2016 02:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Jack Daniels gives you the courage to talk to attractive women, disables your genitals.
←Rate | 02-28-2016 02:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon There no room for BS in my life unless it's Burritos and Salsa.
←Rate | 02-28-2016 02:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Never trust people who talk to their pets in normal voices.
←Rate | 02-28-2016 02:46 Comments (0)  

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