Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Behind every man is a beautiful woman, shaking her head.
←Rate | 07-01-2016 01:37 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Finish your plate, there are people starving at Victoria's Secret.
←Rate | 07-01-2016 01:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Kids eat free today? Nice... In that case, I'll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
←Rate | 07-01-2016 01:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
←Rate | 07-01-2016 01:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Now is the time when we need the calm and reassuring wisdom of people who studied abroad in the UK for a semester this summer.
←Rate | 07-01-2016 01:28 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Looking at the serving size of Laughing Cow cheese and I see why the cow is laughing.
←Rate | 07-01-2016 01:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon They call cat people crazy but they're not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
←Rate | 07-01-2016 01:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My aunt's ex-boyfriend's mailman's brother said it on Facebook so I don't think any further research is necessary.
←Rate | 07-01-2016 01:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Go on a romantic walk with her. Run your hands through her hair. Take her out to a nice meal. So what if she's a police horse, who cares?!?!
←Rate | 07-01-2016 01:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn't hiring.
←Rate | 07-01-2016 01:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A balloon gives my kids a solid hour of entertainment: 3 minutes of fighting over who gets the balloon, 57 minutes of crying after it pops.
←Rate | 07-01-2016 01:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon There's no way that whatever mothballs prevent is worse than the smell of mothballs.
←Rate | 07-01-2016 01:18 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Now that Millennials are getting older, it's only a matter of time before we have memojis.
←Rate | 07-01-2016 01:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon TSA moving operations to outside of airport. That must explain the full cavity search I received in my airport hotel room.
←Rate | 07-01-2016 01:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Nancy Grace decided to leave CNN to spend more time annoying the crap out of her family.
←Rate | 07-01-2016 01:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Can I get Zika from watching the Rio Olympics on TV?
←Rate | 07-01-2016 01:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm starting to find apostrophes a bit possessive.
←Rate | 07-01-2016 00:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Nancy Grace is leaving CNN to spend more time exploiting abused minors in the private sector.
←Rate | 07-01-2016 00:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon People who go on to open a second Facebook account because you've reached your maximum number of friends, get a life!
←Rate | 06-30-2016 22:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "If you think Golden Corral is fine steakhouse dining, you just might be a redneck."
←Rate | 06-30-2016 20:34 Comments (0)  

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