Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Budweiser changing its name to "America" is a really creative way of telling employees they're moving the brewery to China.
←Rate | 08-29-2016 04:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Immediately recognized a porn star wearing a hat and no makeup at the gym today for anyone wondering if I've had sex this year.
←Rate | 08-29-2016 04:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A 6-year old just shook her head at me in disgust as I stole Splenda from Starbucks. Everyone have a great week and keep chasing your dreams.
←Rate | 08-29-2016 04:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I hope Hillary can unite our country and bring dignity back to....oh, never mind.
←Rate | 08-29-2016 04:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ex-Congressman Weiner embroiled in new sexting scandal. Weiner at it again.
←Rate | 08-29-2016 04:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Finally joined Tinder 'cause I've always wanted to date a white girl named Jazz.
←Rate | 08-29-2016 04:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Thanks Nerds for reminding me its "Doctor", not "Dr" Who; also, I probably made out with your sister at a Motley Crue concert, so shut up!!!
←Rate | 08-29-2016 04:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Miss the old Big Mac styrofoam containers, they made the best coffins for hamsters.
←Rate | 08-29-2016 04:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Life Update: There are more empty Slurpee cups in my apartment than books.
←Rate | 08-29-2016 04:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "Bartender, I'd like to buy that table of women debating their favorite season of The Bachelor a round of kittens"
←Rate | 08-29-2016 04:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Johnny Depp is like that cool guy you looked up to in high school until you went over to his house and saw his night light.
←Rate | 08-29-2016 04:28 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Did you know, The Peoples Court theme was plagiarized from the threesome scene in the 70's porn film Debbie Does Dallas.
←Rate | 08-29-2016 04:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Tim Kaine seems like he starts decorating his house for Halloween in August.
←Rate | 08-29-2016 04:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ryan Lochte looks like he has a trophy case for his medals and a separate one for his Adrian Grenier autographed DVD of the Entourage movie.
←Rate | 08-29-2016 04:18 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I die, I'd like my remains scattered along the beach. That said, I do not want to be cremated.
←Rate | 08-29-2016 04:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The Burger King Whopperrito, because it's time to face your crippling depression head on.
←Rate | 08-29-2016 04:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I ate my first pot brownie tonight and it finally occurred to me Donald Trump is running for President of the United States of America.
←Rate | 08-29-2016 04:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Wondering if Quentin Tarantino is directing 2016?!?!
←Rate | 08-29-2016 04:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Couple beside me in the restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom.
←Rate | 08-29-2016 04:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When our baby craps her diaper, my wife says, "she made daddy a present" so now our 4 year old brings me his turds...
←Rate | 08-28-2016 17:54 Comments (0)  

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