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Funny Status Messages for Facebook

Status message updates and sayings for your Facebook, Twitter, or profile.
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X says Saw a X today I really liked back in the day. Dodged a Big Ole Bullet there.
←Rate | 07-27-2014 11:36 Comments (0)

X says My feelings for you haven't changed...after a year I still don't like you.
←Rate | 07-27-2014 10:59 by @JorgeEsRey Comments (0)

X says This getting older thing really sucks. These days my eyes are so bad I have to buy the Large Print edition of Alphabet Soup.
←Rate | 07-27-2014 06:41 Comments (0)

X says That moment when you see your EX with that person they told you not to worry about during your relationship...
←Rate | 07-27-2014 02:42 by Udit Comments (0)

X The best part about being a plumber a friend told me is you can tell a snobby old rich lady that she needs a new ballcock with a straight face...
←Rate | 07-27-2014 00:45 Comments (0)

X says If you mix Jack Daniels with a Smirnoff, are you drinking a jack-off?
←Rate | 07-26-2014 23:54 by Eddy Comments (1)

X Dear Life...Would you at least start using lubricant....
←Rate | 07-26-2014 20:39 by scottyp Comments (0)

X says There are two ways to go about arguing with a woman and neither one works.
←Rate | 07-26-2014 18:57 Comments (0)

X says The " I got your nose game" is to be played with children! Try it on your pharmacist or the cashier at Target and they will call security!
←Rate | 07-26-2014 13:42 by BigToe Comments (0)

X says blunt so fat it swims with a shirt on
←Rate | 07-26-2014 12:30 by Baddie Comments (0)

X says Whenever you hear the phrase "Oh no he didn't" you can rest assured that he did.
←Rate | 07-26-2014 10:36 Comments (0)

X says me:" cant come in to work today. I slipped in a snail trail and broke me ankle" boss:"on a nature hike?" me:"no walked in front of a theater playing 50 shades of gray"
←Rate | 07-26-2014 09:29 Comments (0)

X says I want the equivalent of an e-cigarette for alcohol so I can do it at work. Get on that scientists!
←Rate | 07-26-2014 08:31 by DudeSays Comments (0)

X says It’s amazing how many people are allergic to gluten, peanuts, and facts.
←Rate | 07-26-2014 08:29 by DudeSays Comments (0)

X says It’s sad when a girl breaks up and changes back to her “I need attention” Facebook picture.
←Rate | 07-26-2014 08:28 by DudeSays Comments (0)

X says I just told my brother he was adopted, his response was, “At least they picked me”
←Rate | 07-26-2014 08:26 by DudeSays Comments (0)

X says I have tonight off so if anyone’s free let’s go somewhere and look at our phones together.
←Rate | 07-26-2014 08:25 by DudeSays Comments (0)

X says I'm working on my second million. I gave up on my first.
←Rate | 07-26-2014 07:08 Comments (0)

X * Throws caution to the wind.... Wind throws it back and tells me I throw like a girl.
←Rate | 07-26-2014 04:16 by snotty Comments (0)

X says Its about time judges start sentencing evil mosters to botched executions.
←Rate | 07-26-2014 02:35 Comments (0)

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