Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Status message updates and sayings for your Facebook, Twitter, or Whatsapp profile.

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   messageicon If money was grown on trees,women would be dating monkeys!
←Rate | 03-24-2016 16:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon More than 2 million New Zealanders voted in the ballot to decide whether to keep the British Union Jack on their flag or replace it with a silver fern. They voted to keep the British Union Flag. Why can't we have a calm Presidential election in America?
←Rate | 03-24-2016 15:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If I ever own a race horse I'll name it "My Face Baby" then when fans cheer for it they'll scream "COME ON MY FACE BABY"....
←Rate | 03-24-2016 15:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The pollen is so bad this year that the people in the trailer parks are turning their crystal meth back into Sudafed.
←Rate | 03-24-2016 13:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Nothing makes me feel miserable and helpless like someone sending me prayers instead of real assistance.
←Rate | 03-24-2016 13:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Diet Dedication: When the chicken on your Subway salad kinda tastes like fish, but you eat it anyways because worse comes to worst, you'll just lose a few more pounds.
←Rate | 03-24-2016 13:32 by @truebeachbabe Comments (0)  

   messageicon Obama leans toward believing scientists before god. Any country acknowledging science before any god is a winner in my opinion.
←Rate | 03-24-2016 10:36 Comments (1)  

   messageicon I have to be careful with my kids when I talk about the death of their father. It's a sensitive subject and I don't want them warning him.
←Rate | 03-24-2016 09:24 by Karen Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dear Super-Positive People: Calm down. Not everything is a blessing, a miracle, or a gift from God. Sometimes things just happen.
←Rate | 03-24-2016 07:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Gray hair is the human body's equivalent of low toner.
←Rate | 03-24-2016 07:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm getting kind of tired always slowly raising my hand when someone asks, "Who does something like that?"
←Rate | 03-24-2016 07:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dr. Dre is a rapper, I always wondered what medical school he went to....
←Rate | 03-24-2016 06:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Donald Trump says he "will spill the beans " on Cruz's wife, I always wondered what beans Heidi eats??
←Rate | 03-24-2016 03:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Next time a block number phones your cell, answer "Charlie's whore house, you got the dough we got the ho."
←Rate | 03-24-2016 02:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon To All My Ex's Out There, you can block my Facebook, you can delete my number but you can never unsuck my genitals. Have a good day!!!
←Rate | 03-24-2016 02:18 Comments (0)  

   messageicon This April Fools I'm gonna talk a bunch of gibberish and act like I forgot about Dre.
←Rate | 03-24-2016 02:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When things get me down, I always take a deep breath and go to my safe place....Taco Bell.
←Rate | 03-24-2016 01:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "Could you guys just have your election now?" - The entire world to America
←Rate | 03-24-2016 01:54 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Pro Tip: Keep your friends close and your enemies in a ditch, because they deserve it.
←Rate | 03-24-2016 01:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My goal for Easter weekend is to move just enough each day to make sure no one thinks I'm dead.
←Rate | 03-24-2016 01:48 Comments (0)  

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