Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Status message updates and sayings for your Facebook, Twitter, or Whatsapp profile.

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   messageicon A doggy day care but for humans.
←Rate | 05-13-2016 12:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm convinced that I'm the only person in the universe who detests rotisserie chicken. Wet and greasy. Like my high school girlfriend.
←Rate | 05-13-2016 09:24 by Fazzella Comments (0)  

   messageicon I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
←Rate | 05-13-2016 08:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'll see your passive aggressive Facebook status and I'll raise you... one finger.
←Rate | 05-13-2016 08:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon n't it great to live in the 21st century? Where deleting history has become more important than making it.
←Rate | 05-13-2016 06:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller. Apparently "A meal for two with a hairy view" is not the way to call number 69.
←Rate | 05-13-2016 06:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "I wasn't that drunk!".... "Dude, you were asking my cat about the weather!"
←Rate | 05-13-2016 06:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Women should not have children after 35 . . . Well what I really mean is . . . 35 children are enough!
←Rate | 05-13-2016 06:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Aren't drug dealers just street pharmacists and prostitutes just public wives?
←Rate | 05-13-2016 05:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Pretty sure the lead actress from 'Precious' has a twin sister who works at every Wendy's I've ever been to...
←Rate | 05-13-2016 05:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dear America, feel free to use me whenever you want. Sincerely, common sense.
←Rate | 05-13-2016 05:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If I ever get arrested and I'm allowed one phone call....I'm calling a locksmith.
←Rate | 05-13-2016 05:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon What is the Biggest Benefit of having a crush in the same college where you study? . . . . 100% Attendance...
←Rate | 05-13-2016 05:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Cryogenics is nothing new. My landlord has been freezing our bodies every winter for years.
←Rate | 05-13-2016 05:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I met you, I got this tingling sensation. Then I realized my phone was on vibrate.
←Rate | 05-13-2016 05:29 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The nice thing about being single is I'm always there when I need me.
←Rate | 05-13-2016 05:28 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people... But others have no imagination whatsoever.
←Rate | 05-13-2016 05:28 Comments (0)  

   messageicon This twit looked at my beer belly and sarcastically said, "Is that Heinken or Millers?" I said, " There’s a tap underneath, taste it".
←Rate | 05-13-2016 05:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon FACT - For every idiot proof system devised, a new, improved idiot will arise to overcome it.
←Rate | 05-13-2016 05:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even when you wish they were.
←Rate | 05-13-2016 05:24 Comments (0)  

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