Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   slept like an aircraft controller.

   People think smoking is hard to quit......but new statistics show that it aint s#it compared to quitting Facebook

   Procrasturbate: Putting off doing something more important for something more "exciting"

   Psychology experiment: Pull you head back, now pretend to shake salt from an imaginary salt shaker in your mouth, you'll taste salt!

   Don't you just hate it when 9 year olds have a better phone than you.. it's like, who are you gonna call kid? Elmo??

   Take a hint: you don't look cool peeling out of a parking lot. You aren't a professional drag racer and it's f'n annoying. Now go buy some new tires.

   if she is wearing silly bands she is too young for you Bro!

   The best way to get your teenage son to roll his eyes is show him your "Jedi Powers" by waving your hand in front of the automatic doors at Target.

   When I broke up with my ex girlfriend she threatened to kill herself. One year later she got married. Close enough.

   New game. We go out and get like 20 Tazers and play Tazer tag.

   Since when does "I'm wanking" sound like "come in"

   FACT: If you don't ask for butter on your toast but the waitress brings it anyway God won't let the cholesterol harm you.

   I've been told I speak fluent sexual innuendo.

   Ladies, you're running out of time to hump your way to some excellent Christmas presents from that guy you're sort of seeing right now.

   glad I'm not bisexual. I couldn't stand being rejected by both men as well as women.

   I will never tell you the number of people I've slept with, especially if you're next on my list.

   Your lack of a Facebook Photo makes some wonder if you are shy, a wanted criminal or just intensely unattractive.

   I don't know why I even bother having a iPhone anymore. It spends so much time on charge, you might as well call it a landline.

   Oh a spider. You are tiny. I am a great big person. I am a grown up. I can handle this. You are tiny. I am a great big pe- OMG IT MOVED!!

   "I'm a virgin." B!tch please, the only thing on you that's virgin is your nose, and its safe to assume that's been fingered as well.