Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   $50 & going on a shopping spree at the 99¢ store!!!

   So many things remind me of You, mostly when I sit on the toilet.

   Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

   "I love my cable company! Their customer service and pricing can't be beat! I'm glad I have no other options!" said no one ever.

   There are more men than women in mental hospitals... which just goes to show who's driving whom crazy.

   Figured It Out Black Friday is Like Child birth,U know Its gonna Be a LONG process,Ur Even excited about it the night B4 It Happens BUT as soon as it starts It Hurts Like Hell,U Wanna Kill Every1,pray that it ends soon & promises to never 2 do it again

   my New Year's Resolution is to travel back in time and stop Jersey Shore from EVER being made.

   The hot neighbor chick snores. ...... When she's being watched....... From her closet. ..... Apparently!

   please don't get your last minute presents from a gas station. If you do rembe Grandma gets the candy or the beef jerky not the condoms. Don't ask me how I know this.

   has 12 episodes of A&E's "Hoarders" recorded on his DVR and he just can't throw any away.  

   As I sat there twirling my fingers through my hair I thought "I really must shave my balls"

   The Cubs are not my World Series Champions!!!! Protest and Boycott the unfair World Series!!

   Do the Kardashians have to buy Bruce Jenner a gift on both Mothers Day and Fathers Day now?

   What the Cialis commercial doesn't tell you is that the coolest thing about a 4-hour erection is having a place to hang your jacket.

   When people stay in a horrific relationship instead of breaking up, I assume they killed someone together.

   It used to be called "House Depot" until they filled it with love.

   I'm not really much of a plumber, but I have laid some pipe before.

   I want the equivalent of an e-cigarette for alcohol so I can do it at work. Get on that scientists!

   Why do I have to press "ONE" for English, when they just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?!?!

   What happens if pasta touches antipasta?