Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   has 12 episodes of A&E's "Hoarders" recorded on his DVR and he just can't throw any away.  

   Bear Grylls would eat that

   the world's oldest ww1 veteran just turned 108 today...he recently finished his fourth tour in Afghanistan.

   I remember when wearing Hollister meant you have money, not wearing Hollister means you ran out of money

   "My wife had her driving test today. She got 8 out of 10. The other two guys jumped clear." Rodney Dangerfield.

   I just saved a ton of money by not paying my car insurance bill.

   I wish I was as popular 20yrs ago in HS the way I am now on Facebook!

   If you're playing checkers on a boat with a monkey, how many ducks does it take to change the oil in a fish tank?

   As I sat there twirling my fingers through my hair I thought "I really must shave my balls"

   The Cubs are not my World Series Champions!!!! Protest and Boycott the unfair World Series!!

   Do the Kardashians have to buy Bruce Jenner a gift on both Mothers Day and Fathers Day now?

   What the Cialis commercial doesn't tell you is that the coolest thing about a 4-hour erection is having a place to hang your jacket.

   When people stay in a horrific relationship instead of breaking up, I assume they killed someone together.

   It used to be called "House Depot" until they filled it with love.

   I'm not really much of a plumber, but I have laid some pipe before.

   I want the equivalent of an e-cigarette for alcohol so I can do it at work. Get on that scientists!

   Why do I have to press "ONE" for English, when they just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?!?!

   What happens if pasta touches antipasta?

   You want to talk to me about the Grammy's? Oh I'm sorry, you must have confused me with some sheep who give a ¢r@p about celebrities.

   Coke Zero is the only soft drink named after the number of times I've tried it