Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Alcohol doesn't solve your problems…Neither does milk.

   likes the 80's too, but ur not going to catch me snorting blow off the hood of a DeLorean!

   Somebody make her a dude so I can punch her!!

   I'm not weird, I'm limited edition.

   $50 & going on a shopping spree at the 99¢ store!!!

   please don't get your last minute presents from a gas station. If you do rembe Grandma gets the candy or the beef jerky not the condoms. Don't ask me how I know this.

   has 12 episodes of A&E's "Hoarders" recorded on his DVR and he just can't throw any away.  

   Bear Grylls would eat that

   the world's oldest ww1 veteran just turned 108 today...he recently finished his fourth tour in Afghanistan.

   I remember when wearing Hollister meant you have money, not wearing Hollister means you ran out of money

   "My wife had her driving test today. She got 8 out of 10. The other two guys jumped clear." Rodney Dangerfield.

   I just saved a ton of money by not paying my car insurance bill.

   I wish I was as popular 20yrs ago in HS the way I am now on Facebook!

   If you're playing checkers on a boat with a monkey, how many ducks does it take to change the oil in a fish tank?

   As I sat there twirling my fingers through my hair I thought "I really must shave my balls"

   The Cubs are not my World Series Champions!!!! Protest and Boycott the unfair World Series!!

   Do the Kardashians have to buy Bruce Jenner a gift on both Mothers Day and Fathers Day now?

   What the Cialis commercial doesn't tell you is that the coolest thing about a 4-hour erection is having a place to hang your jacket.

   When people stay in a horrific relationship instead of breaking up, I assume they killed someone together.

   It used to be called "House Depot" until they filled it with love.