Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Subway should be taken to court. They force their male employees to make sandwiches for other people and that is clearly sexist.

   10 yrs from now: Dad, how'd you meet mom? Well, your mom had the hottest profile pic, so I had to friend request that...

   I'm probably not the first person to notice, but the plots of "Finding Nemo" and "Taken" are virtually identical.

   Went to Micky D's today and ordered the fish sandwich and for the first time ever the cheese was squarely on the sandwich.....almost brought a tear to my eye.

   NFL: "Madonna's message of 'world peace' does not reflect the views of the National Football League"

   Saw one of those electric cars zip by me the othee day. Finally its starting to look like The Jetsons around here!

   I predict you'll be seeing a lot more people using pogo sticks, thanks to these gas prices

   I need a pity pity bang bang

   I spent most of my money on beer and women, the rest I just wasted.

   Appreciate the good people God gave you because he will take them back one day.

   Nothing good ever comes from getting involved with the girl who can play pool incredibly well when she's drunk.

   Theres no manly way to say.. "Honey can you pass me my Girl Scout Cookies?"

   Top dating profile qualities: 1. I kill spiders 2. I do push ups with my tongue

   The person before me got $0.57 worth of gas, no joke. My day doesn't seem so bad now.

   Samsung won't stop until they create a TV so curved it watches itself.

   After a while you just get used to people not understanding.

   Buy 3 items and get a 9 foot long receipt. That’s the CVS promise.

   Just got into a conversation with a crazy person. Do you guys know what a crazy person will never say? -- "Well I've got to go."

   Remember safety first.... Reach, Throw, Row, Go......Only you can rescue someone who may have stepped off into a pothole!

   I'm so glad to be done with my running around town for the day, and away from the crowded bumping, pushing, honking, cussing, yelling holiday spirit during this most wonderful time of the year.