Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why is it that kids these days can shift their gender but cannot shift a manual transmission?

   So what are we being offended by today? Sorry I missed the morning briefing.

   The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999

   I think if my rich neighbor realized just how awesome of a party he is going to have at his house tonight, he wouldn't leave for vacation.

   It's annoying when you think of an awesome idea or thing to do and within the next few minutes, you completely forget what it was, but the memory of how awesome it was still lingers.

   Ladies, the knight with the shiniest armour has done the least amount of brave or cool sh*t.

   I think there are more pictures of cats in my news feed than people

   I would like to congratulate myself on placing 18,476th in the "Coney Island Hot Dog Eating Contest!" ツ

   I think my front door faces the wrong direction. People keep finding it.

   If these walls could talk, I'd probably stop hanging things with nails.

   Wyclef Jean is running for President of Haiti. He should pledge to make Lauryn Hill his Secretary of Miseducation.

   Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window

   I wish James J. Lee had watched CNN News instead of the Discovery channel.

   If I come into work really early, each time I say "Hi" to whoever is there all I'm really doing is gathering witnesses to justify my early departure.

   In college I was the Brett Favre of retiring from drinking.

   I wasn't going to let my son sign up for soccer, then I remembered something very important... "Soccer Mom's".

   Happy 35th, Atari 2600

   Dear Tequila: We had a deal. You were supposed to make me sexier, smarter and a better dancer. But I saw the video. And I think we need to talk...

   I don't need a certain number of friends, just a number of friends I can be certain of.

   My new favorite thing to do is slip a kid $20 while his parents aren't looking and quietly whisper: "This is from your real father."