Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thank you, True Crime, for sayingthat was a reenactment. I was prettyupset your camera person didn’tstop that murder.

   I just walked by an old man who kept saying, “One, three, five, seven, nine… one, three, five, seven, nine…” I thought, “How odd.”

   Some people's lives are like open books... Mine is like a trashcan without a lid.

   *at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin* Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure

   Last year for Christmas I got a sweater...this year I am hoping for a moaner or screamer.

   My backup plan is just my original plan but with more alcohol.

   I would like to think money won’t change me, but I got my stimulus check and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.

   I lost 3 pounds over the weekend.but not to worry I found them lastnight at pizza hut

   I love how twix come with two bars so I can eat one now and the other immediately after

   The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

   "When I'm dead, I'd like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole." - Humans

   So what are we being offended by today? Sorry I missed the morning briefing.

   The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999

   Need this election to be over so I can focus on holiday anxiety.

   I am a very tolerant person until you think differently than me. Then I act like a spoiled little brat.

   Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone's cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.

   Sometimes you run into people who just make your day more bearable. Those people are called bartenders.

   If I've learned anything from social media, it's that we live on a planet that's disproportionately filled with inhabitants in possession of single digit IQ's.

   I thought we had something. You met my family, you made me dinner, you called me Honey. Now suddenly you are just a "waitress" who was "doing her job".

   The toilet roll situation has got so bad I have been forced to wipe with lettuce leaves. I fear its just the tip of the iceberg