Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some people's lives are like open books... Mine is like a trashcan without a lid.

   *at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin* Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure

   Last year for Christmas I got a sweater...this year I am hoping for a moaner or screamer.

   My backup plan is just my original plan but with more alcohol.

   I would like to think money won’t change me, but I got my stimulus check and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.

   I lost 3 pounds over the weekend.but not to worry I found them lastnight at pizza hut

   I love how twix come with two bars so I can eat one now and the other immediately after

   The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

   "When I'm dead, I'd like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole." - Humans

   Had 21 minutes of doggie style sex last night. That's 3 minutes in human time.

   Not saying that women walmart shoppers have bad teeth. But when the woman in line in front of me smiled. The barcode scanner rang up a set of sauce pans.

   Words and phrases I hope do not appear in my obituary: "Skeletal remains", "Dumpster", "Beyond recognition", "Decapitated", "Dental records", "Shallow grave", "Strewn", and "Suicide by Cop."

   I refused to buy my 6 year old nephew a Barbie doll for his birthday because I believe that Barbie dolls give little boys unrealistic expectations. There is no way you could rip a woman’s head off that easily.

   Why is it that kids these days can shift their gender but cannot shift a manual transmission?

   So what are we being offended by today? Sorry I missed the morning briefing.

   The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999

   Need this election to be over so I can focus on holiday anxiety.

   I am a very tolerant person until you think differently than me. Then I act like a spoiled little brat.

   Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone's cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.

   Sometimes you run into people who just make your day more bearable. Those people are called bartenders.