Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Once upon a time, GIRLS used to cook like their mothers,but now they drink like their damn Fathers...!!!

   •I have an amazing ability! I find objects just before people lose them. The police, however, call it theft.

   You would think old people would drive a lil faster...I mean its not like they have alot of time to waste..Right?

   You may think I'm a loser, but to my goldfich, I'm the god of flakes.

   My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him

   I see they have blocked the Internet in Egypt. No more online pyramid schemes then?

   The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

   thinks Diarrhea would be a beautiful name, if it didn't mean diarrhea.

   I swear my pillow could be a hairstylist I always wake up with the wierdest hairdos.

   It's so hot, I just saw a squirrel fanning his nuts.

   was woken up again last night by the bulimic girl next door. I banged on the wall and shouted, "For f***s sake, keep it down!".

   Sticks and stones may break my bones, but chains and whips excite me ;-)

   Does anyone else see the irony that the game "Monopoly" is made by one company?

   dressing up as antoine dodson for halloween. hide yo kids hide yo wife...

   nicotine patches are great !! stick one of each eye and you cant find your cigarettes..

   In the past seven days, 1 friend of mine gave birth, 1 buried his father, 1 buried her brother, 1 died, 1 got divorced, 2 got married, 1 quit his job, 1 got fired and 6 celebrated birthdays. I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm f*cking exhausted.

   I finally got around to reading the story of the headless horseman.Up until now I always thought the story was about a horse rider that couldn't get a erection.

   ..wonders why is there a man in the bottom corner of her TV playing charades?

   You ever seen somebody so damn ugly the government should transfer their birthday to Halloween??....Yeah, me too.

   determined to break into the Porn Industry in 2010. I'm not going to listen this time to anyone who says I'm over qualified!