Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People say money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you had enough money, you can have a key made.

   if you're a tailor and your shop's name isn't "Britches get stitches" then what's the point?

   It was the best of times, it was the worst of times... So, After doing the math, the times were pretty much average.

   Health insurance is rare in the exotic dancing industry. Most strippers have little or no coverage.

   It's always a great day when you wake up on the right side of the grass

   Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.

   Making car payments is the lease of my worries.

   FACT - For every idiot proof system devised, a new, improved idiot will arise to overcome it.

   Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.

   I teach a graduate course at a local college, "Plans and How To Get Out of Them"

   It's okay, Web MD. I don't really know what's wrong with me either.

   If you sleep with your socks on, please unfollow. I do not support you or your wicked lifestyle.

   When I have a family-sized bag of chips I think to myself, 'these chips are the only family I need.' Then I proceed to eat the whole bag.

   If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.

   .... In today's world "Common Sense" has become so rare it's now considered a Super Power.

   Ever get the feeling that stuffed animals are only silent because they're judging you?

   When I drink too much Red Bull, I feel like I can do algebra.

   Nowadays the only way to get friends to hang out all night is if one of us needs an intervention.

   Really worried about how much I'm going to get hit on at the pool this summer now that plus-size is considered sexy.

   My favoritte thing that the caption of my high school varsity football team ever said to me was, "Would you like paper or plastic?"