Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What doesn't kill me, might make me kill you.

   Ok soo Wal-Mart is full of people buying beer and chips it looks like Bin Laden "Death" will be a national celebration! wooohoo can I hear the Fire Works?

   and now.. to Ollie Williams in the Black-u-breaking news room.. Ollie? OSAMA DEAD!!!!!

   Although preseason football is like non-alcoholic beer, it feels like the lockout added 10% of alcohol content

   There's something about the way you could ruin my entire life that makes me want you. - WOMEN

   I can offer a blank stare and a pat on the back if you're looking for someone to console you.

   I don't expect you to read my mind, you'll know how I feel when I set your stuff on fire.

   The bathroom stall at any university has a bigger sense of brotherhood than any fraternity on campus. Our butt cheeks have touched the same surface, we are brothers. We are one.

   If I know one thing, I certainly don't know what it is.

   If Mom's Made Candy Hearts Messages: "Shut the door", "Let me finish my coffee", "It's wherever you left it", "I said...get your shoes on", "You're not hungry you're bored", "I saw that".

   My phone autocorrects "Lil Wayne" to "LOL Wayne" - so I guess it's right sometimes.

   I just had a small salad with a side of carrots for lunch and now I know why women are so horrible to each other.

   I made the mistake of asking Siri what women want....she has been talking non-stop for the last 3 days.

   I may be my own worst enemy but there is a hell of a lot of competition out there vying to unseat me.

   There's always a guy in all coffee shops sitting at a table, not on his iPhone, not on a laptop, not even on an iPad, he's just drinking coffee, like a psychopathic murderer. Don't forget to say "Hi" y'all!!!

   It's like these bottles of liquor don't even remember me from last night.

   Avoid arguments about the toilet seat....use the sink....

   Congratulations, If you press the elevator button three times it goes into hurry mode – really....

   When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, "A very good doctor".

   Although I love food, I don't consider myself to be a "Foodie." I'm more along the lines of a glutton.