Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There's something about the way you could ruin my entire life that makes me want you. - WOMEN

   I can offer a blank stare and a pat on the back if you're looking for someone to console you.

   I don't expect you to read my mind, you'll know how I feel when I set your stuff on fire.

   The bathroom stall at any university has a bigger sense of brotherhood than any fraternity on campus. Our butt cheeks have touched the same surface, we are brothers. We are one.

   If I know one thing, I certainly don't know what it is.

   If Mom's Made Candy Hearts Messages: "Shut the door", "Let me finish my coffee", "It's wherever you left it", "I said...get your shoes on", "You're not hungry you're bored", "I saw that".

   My phone autocorrects "Lil Wayne" to "LOL Wayne" - so I guess it's right sometimes.

   I just had a small salad with a side of carrots for lunch and now I know why women are so horrible to each other.

   I made the mistake of asking Siri what women want....she has been talking non-stop for the last 3 days.

   I may be my own worst enemy but there is a hell of a lot of competition out there vying to unseat me.

   There's always a guy in all coffee shops sitting at a table, not on his iPhone, not on a laptop, not even on an iPad, he's just drinking coffee, like a psychopathic murderer. Don't forget to say "Hi" y'all!!!

   It's like these bottles of liquor don't even remember me from last night.

   Avoid arguments about the toilet seat....use the sink....

   Congratulations, If you press the elevator button three times it goes into hurry mode – really....

   When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, "A very good doctor".

   Although I love food, I don't consider myself to be a "Foodie." I'm more along the lines of a glutton.

   People say money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you had enough money, you can have a key made.

   if you're a tailor and your shop's name isn't "Britches get stitches" then what's the point?

   It was the best of times, it was the worst of times... So, After doing the math, the times were pretty much average.

   Health insurance is rare in the exotic dancing industry. Most strippers have little or no coverage.