Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Watched my cat play with a ball of yarn for 5 minutes. And thougt how easily their entertained. Then realized, I just watched my cat play with a ball of yarn for 5 minutes.

   .....And then it occurred to me, maybe I'M the one with the weird looking nipples.

   :) Why is a hot water heater, called a hot water heater ? Who needs to heat hot water?:D

   I'm not an alcoholic. I'm a drunk. I don't have time for those meetings.

   I shouldn't have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I didn't drive there in the first place. Anyone missing a car?

   Hugh Hefner dead at 91.... =( Good thing he had so many reasons to keep it up for so long

   When I leave home on time for something I have that sure feeling that I forgot something

   Conflicting emotions: Watching your mother in-law drive off a cliff in your brand new car.

   For no reason at all Smash Mouth's "All Star" is stuck in my head. I'm sorry to do this to you, but if I go down, we all go down.

   I walked into the library yesterday and asked if they had the reference work.."Calcification Of The Spine"...The librarian said..."I've got a hardback"...I said..."Yeah...that's the one...thank you!!"

   Thought I had a Political Update: "But alas"' it ended up being gas

   Halloween is my favorite holiday where you can trespass on a stranger's property and make a non-negotiable demand that includes a threat of vandalism.

   Wish someone would have told me that the Heimlich Maneuver is for choking victims, not sexual partners.

   Make baseball more interesting: Divide the nation with hateful rhetoric.

   Gosh I'm so glad Bono was named woman of the year. White men are hardly ever given favor over their completely qualified female competitors.

   NASA reports surging applications for astronaut training programs proves trending interest in space exploration. That or maybe more interest in leaving the planet after this lame election...

   I'm excited for this season's finale of America

   You think you're having a bad day, you could be a Siamese twin attached to a gay brother who has a date and you're the only one with an ass.

   Bi-polar Wednesday - that day where you teeter between, "Woo Hoo, the week is half over" and *tear*, "the week is only half over.

   My biggest pet peeve is that people expect me to remember their pet peeves. Please don't forget that!