Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm tired of being the giver in all my relationships and I am going to turn that around starting today. So, what are you going to do for me, Klondike Bar?

   My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills

   This Cinco de Mayo, let's party like Mexican rock stars if they existed.

   How many SJWs does it take to screw a light bulb? A: One. They hold it in place and expect the world to revolve around them.

   Using "amazeballs" in a status is the best way to let everyone know you dropped out of cosmetology school

   We all name our dogs....But.... Wonder what they call us .....

   Watched my cat play with a ball of yarn for 5 minutes. And thougt how easily their entertained. Then realized, I just watched my cat play with a ball of yarn for 5 minutes.

   .....And then it occurred to me, maybe I'M the one with the weird looking nipples.

   :) Why is a hot water heater, called a hot water heater ? Who needs to heat hot water?:D

   I'm not an alcoholic. I'm a drunk. I don't have time for those meetings.

   I shouldn't have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I didn't drive there in the first place. Anyone missing a car?

   Hugh Hefner dead at 91.... =( Good thing he had so many reasons to keep it up for so long

   When I leave home on time for something I have that sure feeling that I forgot something

   Conflicting emotions: Watching your mother in-law drive off a cliff in your brand new car.

   For no reason at all Smash Mouth's "All Star" is stuck in my head. I'm sorry to do this to you, but if I go down, we all go down.

   I walked into the library yesterday and asked if they had the reference work.."Calcification Of The Spine"...The librarian said..."I've got a hardback"...I said..."Yeah...that's the one...thank you!!"

   Thought I had a Political Update: "But alas"' it ended up being gas

   Halloween is my favorite holiday where you can trespass on a stranger's property and make a non-negotiable demand that includes a threat of vandalism.

   Wish someone would have told me that the Heimlich Maneuver is for choking victims, not sexual partners.

   Make baseball more interesting: Divide the nation with hateful rhetoric.