Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My Doctor told me to lose some weight, and suggested walking. So no more drive through KFC. Now I park 5 spaces away and walk in

   I just got the minivan washed if anyone wants to party this weekend.

   Roses are red, violets are blue. I've got five fingers, and just one is for you.

   I think daylight saving time should start on a friday at 4pm instead of 2am sunday morning.

   A best friend is like a four leaf clover. They're both hard to find and lucky to have.

   I am constantly putting things where they don't belong, like the cereal in the fridge or my keys in the laundry or my faith in other people.

   I only date girls who like the series "Lost" because they are used to disappointment

   I don't get women. My wife said she bought this lingerie for me, but then got boiling angry when I put it on.

   Whenever I am feeling down I check my junk folder and read all the Congratulations! emails

   My friend came over and left his laptop on the floor. My Housemaid thought it was a weighing scale. Conclusion: My Housemaid weighs 750 dollars.....

   The most effective way to remember your GF's birthday is to forget it once

   A white lie is like a regular lie except it orders a grande, iced, sugar-free, vanilla latte, with soy milk from Starbucks.

   Don't make me go all shouty capitals on you ...

   I decided to weigh myself this morning when the scale said "Lo". I was ready to get all excited when I realized it just mean the battery! Ugh

   I'm tired of being the giver in all my relationships and I am going to turn that around starting today. So, what are you going to do for me, Klondike Bar?

   My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills

   This Cinco de Mayo, let's party like Mexican rock stars if they existed.

   How many SJWs does it take to screw a light bulb? A: One. They hold it in place and expect the world to revolve around them.

   Using "amazeballs" in a status is the best way to let everyone know you dropped out of cosmetology school

   We all name our dogs....But.... Wonder what they call us .....