Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I almost took a girl out once. BOY . . . did I dodge a bullet. Her dad never liked me, and fortunately, his aim was off!

   I bet Batman’s cape gets stuck in the car door more times than he’s willing to admit.

   Bring donuts so your coworkers will like you. Cut them in half so they will hate you again.

   If I ever go missing, please don't look for me.

   When I was in our laundry room today, I saw that our ironing board cover was wrinkled. I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because irony has the word iron in it.

   If someone wants to know how to play the piano but can't, does that mean they have pianist envy?

   I finally reached the age where happy hour is taking a nap.

   What's worse, women who want you to figure what's bothering them? Or the ones who tell you?

   There is a thin line between hating a person’s behavior with hating the actual person.

   I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.

   WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas. ME: {drinking toast} Why?

   People who say "This is the final straw!" You know you can always go to McDonald's and steal some more right?

   "Wonder why no one came to the kamikaze pilot's reunion dinner."

   There's a Father Nature, too, but all he's responsible for is the temperature.

   It's funny how many people I have in my phones contact list who all have the same name Do Not Answer.

   So they say that having to much sex can cause memory loss, which is just a little something I seem to remember reading in a Rolling Stone magazine once on page 64 paragraphs 3 through 5 while sitting on a park bench October 14th 2002 at 3:46 p.m

   Once I ate a whole banana, skin and all. I found it quite unappeeling.

   if prison is "behind bars" , why don't people cal l the warden the "bar tender" ?

   I'll bet people with Tourette's make awful anatomy teachers!!

   Now if you will excuse me, today's bad decisions aren't going to make themselves.