Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'll bet people with Tourette's make awful anatomy teachers!!

   Now if you will excuse me, today's bad decisions aren't going to make themselves.

   Nothing says “I believe in you” more than when a waiter gives you a single napkin.

   Just ghosted a guy for the first time. What do you guys usually do with the body?

   I'm afraid if I start working out, I'll be too sexy.

   I really didn't need to know that Toad thing from Mario Kart.

   "Flammable" and "inflammable" mean the same thing. Boy did I learn that one the hard way.

   Lady, are you a Kardashian because I don't know what the hell you're talking about.

   If you run out of money at the fair, remember you can eat as much mustard & ketchup as you want for free.

   I'm that type of a guy who puts a song on repeat until the artist begs for water

   Men, if you are birthday shopping on a budget you can buy your wife two roses from a florist or a whole rotisserie chicken from sams.....just saying.

   When I'm not sleepy, I listen to some Chris Brown. That knocks me out right away.

   I'm tired of being the giver in all my relationships and I am going to turn that around starting today. So, what are you going to do for me, Klondike Bar?

   My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills

   This Cinco de Mayo, let's party like Mexican rock stars if they existed.

   How many SJWs does it take to screw a light bulb? A: One. They hold it in place and expect the world to revolve around them.

   Using "amazeballs" in a status is the best way to let everyone know you dropped out of cosmetology school

   We all name our dogs....But.... Wonder what they call us .....

   Watched my cat play with a ball of yarn for 5 minutes. And thougt how easily their entertained. Then realized, I just watched my cat play with a ball of yarn for 5 minutes.

   .....And then it occurred to me, maybe I'M the one with the weird looking nipples.