Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How do I stay looking so slim?.... well, once a week I do a 40 hour famine....it's for a good cause.... you should sponsor me....

   If the universe wanted me to be thin, food wouldn't taste so good

   Daily log Monday morning, 9:49am: I have decided I am done trying until Friday night, I've already been here too long this week.

   Every status has the potential to be funny with the proper amount of alcohol and or narcotic.

   If you can read, then this status doesn't apply to you.

   Seismologists are nothing but a bunch of fault finders...

   Sure, I'll dance with your wife so she will stop bugging you to get up and dance. But I expect a fresh beer be waiting for me upon my return from the dance floor sir.

   who kicks an owl on the soccer field? and why is it headline news?

   Youre never too old to learn something stupid

   if you're going through hell stop and smell the flames

   I got so drunk I blacked out for two hours, I couldn't snap out of it...Then I realized I’d just put my hoodie on backwards.

   A lot of people cry when they chop onions....The trick is to not form an emotional bond

   I'm kind of like Hugh Hefner. Only without the mansion, the exotic cars, the girls, the magazine and the money. Basically, I'm just a guy in a bathrobe.

   finishing the toilet paper roll and not replacing it should be considered as domestic terrorism.

   If you cross a 4-leaf clover with poison ivy you'll end up with a rash of good luck.

   Anyone who says you added too much cheese is an undercover cop.

   I called the vet. and told him that my wife willbe dropping by with our old cat. Can you euthanizer her without any pain? Sure he said, but will the cat find it's way back home alone?

   It's not the constant thought or fear of death that keeps me awake at night. It's usually grandma's Jalapeno flavored meatloaf!

   If you want me to go running with you I will need some motivation. Like a clown waving a bloody knife chasing after us.

   I'm sure getting kicked in the balls is more painful than pregnancy. How many men do you hear say in 12 months, "I want another one!"