Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The sex was so good even the neighbors had a cigarette.

   Back in my day it was called daydreaming…not ADHD.

   Dear liver, the weekend is almost over, hang in there little one. Love you.

   Once upon a time there were three little pigs at a pig roast, end of story. . .

   I'm an animal in bed. More specifically a koala. I can sleep for 22 hours a day.

   When you save a beautiful sexy woman from a house fire and she says "Sorry I have a boyfriend."

   I can cope with voices in my head but it is the voices outside my head that are going to drive me crazy.

   Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough.

   Going to Hell on a full scholarship.

   Each of my teardrop tattoos represent french fries I dropped between my car's seats.

   ♫♪♫ If you're happy and you know it's your meds ♫♪♫

   Sea gulls are like the Kardashian sisters; if they weren't so frickin' annoying they would actually seem quite beautiful.

   Red Bull and Vodka. Because you want to be wide awake for this mistake.

   The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.

   I'm just looking for a nice high maintenance girl who uses the dogface on snapchat, takes tons of selfies, and listens to Taylor Swift.

   Fact: Hell is wallpapered with all your deleted selfies.

   Why is the speed limit in a school zone 15 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles.

   Out of all the emotions, my favoritte would have to be "buzzed".

   The brighter colord vegetables you buy, the more festive they look in your garbage when you throw them away 2 weeks later.

   If there is one thing I can't stand when I'm drunk, its up.