Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Monday, Please don't be a snatch today. Please pass on the message to the rest of the week...Thanks

   I learn something new everyday. Yesterday I was wise. Today I'm wiser.

   BREAKING: Taco Bell to re-brand Itself as "64% Vegan"

   would eat more salads if they didn't taste like vegetables.

   just because the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence, doesn't mean its not fake field turf.

   It's all funny till the zombies come isn't it?

   All my job prospects sounded a lot more exciting when I was seven.

   Nobody understand what anyone else is going through. We could be standing beside someone who is broken and never know

   Life log: It has been 19 days since the playstation has gone down.Everything seems so real.

   Guys don't post stuff like ☆ BEAUTIFUL☆ FATHER☆ AWARD ☆ on eachouther's walls with the whole ˙·٠•●♥ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ♥●•٠·˙ crap after it.  We show each other love by posting, "Dude, you're an ass!"  

   I'm glad won first place at the tournment. But somehow being know as "County Cornhole Champion" doesn't sound all that great.

   switched to an electric car but then my electric bill went up......

   headed to check my MYSPACE... (crickets chirping)

   I am a good listener, just ask my TV.

   BREAKING NEWS: LeBron James chooses DirecTV over Comcast and Dish Network.

   I am the luckiest person in the world. Everyday I get a mail from Yahoo & MSN that I have won a lottery...

   One hair on your head is not enough...but one hair in your food is too much.

   "Don't worry, the spider is smaller than you." "So is a grenade!"

   REALLY in the matrix......would I know though?

   “Hey. What do I do again?” -- Me greeting my boss every Monday morning.