Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   .... All I ever want is to make you smile ..... Well, That ..... and maybe some bacon ..

   Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on? Asking for a freak.

   Twitter is the gym membership of the internet

   Do you ever wish you had a second chance to meet someone again for the first time?

   If you say Snoop Dogg's name three times in the mirror, your weed will disappear.

   Please just put it in the fridge.... We'll throw it away next week.

   You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.

   If there is anything to learn from celebrities is. Do not take nude photos of yourself. The FBI had better things to do. . .

   When I tell you I'm going to shower then head out, be sure to factor in about two hours of me sitting at my computer in a towel.

   Why does Play-Doh say "fun to play with, not to eat" then make 1000 accessories that all make it shaped like food?

   If you like keep scaring strangers away, smile for no good reason.

   A grown man should NOT know the names of the members of One Direction.....as I do.

   I feel pretty damn good this morning, I made it 2 hours longer then my last years, New Years Resolution!

   Richard Sherman's girlfriend just dumped him for Malcom Butler.

   I am Dad!!! Hear me sigh loudly as I turn off every light in the house. Again.

   I’m alone in my car. Counting it as a vacation.

   I always scratch off the "Plus One" option on wedding invitations are replace it with "Drinking for two"

   Picture us in bed together.... Wrong.... try again, but with more empty bottles.

   Let's just ignore each other and see where this takes us.

   My living room is pretty much a fat camp without rules.