Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear MTV, I'm gonna start my own TV network called RealityTV (RTV) and play nothing but music videos.

   My girlfriend wanted me to come shopping, but I had a headache... I must have caught it from her last night when we didn't have sex.

   If you shut off the Internet in the US, we'd overthrow the government within hours.

   Three midgets walk into a mini-bar.

   If you think I talk too much, let me know. We can talk about it.

   Really!!! Kim Kardashian is upset with the Casey Anthony verdict!!! Your father defended OJ Simpson, Thus starting the Kardashian tradition of getting black men off!!!

   I'm a firm believer that if something takes 10 minutes to cook on 200 degrees then it should only take 5 minutes to cook on 400 degrees

   I broke up with my girlfriend by e-mail. I don't know what upset her most, the fact that I did it by email or the fact that I cc'd my new girlfriend who wanted proof.

   Words of Wisdom: it's easier to change a condom than it is to change a diaper

   The hardest thing you'll ever do is watch the one you love, love someone else.

   saw a billboard sign that said: NEED HELP, CALL JESUS 1-800-555-3787 Out of curiosity, I did. A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.

   hit a parked car while texting. Even sadder, I was WALKING.

   Perhaps Bieber wouldn't need to vandalize walls with graffiti if the restaurants that he goes to would offer him a coloring menu with crayons

   If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad "iPhone 5S for $1 only"

   Whoever said, "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach" clearly had no idea how to give a stellar blow job.

   If spiders ever come to the realization that people are terrified of them, we're fucked.

   Ok honey don't freak out, but someone broke into the house, ate all the ice cream, smashed that picture of your mother, and didn't do the dishes.

   Stop it with this political BS. I haven't stolen and posted a descent item in months

   Today, I was told I was being too patronising which means I was treating them like they were stupid.

   The problem with being young is sometimes we don't stop to think, the problem with getter older is sometimes we forget what we were thinking about.