Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.

   would like to thank Matt Lauer for preventing any future Kanye West appearances!

   gastric bypass...gives new meaning to your eyes are bigger than your stomach.

   thinking the TSA needs to add a smoking section at security checkpoints I need a smoke after that "pat down"!

   A weekend wasted isn't a wasted weekend.

   Ahhhh nothing like a cigarette and kicking back with your feet up after a rigerous workout with the Shake Weight

   Does TSA make housecalls?...or did I just get scammed?!

   Can you imagine how hard it was to check the blindspots on the left side if the Millennium Falcon?

   Oooooooo the Patron.....yesterday my friend, today my enemy...

   WOW! I've just seen who STALKS me on Facebook! You can too! = You just got hacked sucka!!

   only dead fish go with the flow!

   "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger.", huh. Hence the zombie apocalypse.....

   Burglars broke into Kanye West's home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.

   i think my Facebook friends are starting to think somethings up.. just not the same funny site..

   My new 401k is just a pre-loaded gift card for Olde Country Buffet.. "Pretty smart, going with a buffet-style retirement plan" said my Schwab investment advisor.

   In America, dating for men is a chore, for women it's a choice.

   Your beer goggles say she's a 9, but my BROnoculars say she's a 3.

   I like big chested women. And pirates.

   I'm doing the dance of joy. Which for me is walking to the fridge for another beer and walking back to my recliner. Oh joy!

   Me and all my old pals all reconnected over some beers last night! ...Besides, that AA meeting really made us all thirsty.