Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today is a whole new day to f*ck up!

   If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

   Stop looking at your phone. No one texted you.

   Thinks there should be a sarcasm font....would make FB life so much easier.....

   I am constantly washing my hands just in case I am required to deliver a baby in a broken elevator.

   Sitting at home looking at boobies on the internet is much like being at a strip club. You are drunk as hell, can't actually touch them and there is usually some weird ass music playing, but at least it's cheaper!

   hates driving by people who are texting and driving. It's times like that, that I wish my Subaru came with rocket launchers

   Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.

   would like to thank Matt Lauer for preventing any future Kanye West appearances!

   gastric bypass...gives new meaning to your eyes are bigger than your stomach.

   thinking the TSA needs to add a smoking section at security checkpoints I need a smoke after that "pat down"!

   A weekend wasted isn't a wasted weekend.

   Ahhhh nothing like a cigarette and kicking back with your feet up after a rigerous workout with the Shake Weight

   Does TSA make housecalls?...or did I just get scammed?!

   Can you imagine how hard it was to check the blindspots on the left side if the Millennium Falcon?

   Oooooooo the Patron.....yesterday my friend, today my enemy...

   WOW! I've just seen who STALKS me on Facebook! You can too! = You just got hacked sucka!!

   only dead fish go with the flow!

   "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger.", huh. Hence the zombie apocalypse.....

   Burglars broke into Kanye West's home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.