Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Many advertisers are taking Tiger Woods' name out of their advertisements because the association is becoming too embarrassing. In a related story, New Jersey is thinking of removing their name from the Nets.

   when everything's coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane.

   The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.

   Believe nothing of what you hear, and only half of what you see.

   trying to complete his Margaritaville. I still need that lost shaker of salt, 5th of tequila, some fresh lime juice, triple sec, and a flip flop. Thanks guys!

   I went into a drug store for preparation H, Sportscream for sore muscles, and toothpaste.The cashier asked how I was doing… I couldn't resist... I looked at her and said, As long as I don't get these three tubes mixed up I should be alright.

   thinks there should be a day called masculinity awareness day, where a man must do something manly, like fight a bear, eat meat, or write a poem about his feelings... then burn it!

   says....I was concerned that my goldfish was epileptic, so I took it to the Vet. "Looks fine to me" they said. I said "But you haven't taken it out of the water yet!"

   There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won't stand for that.”

   spinning in his new office chair so I am away, now I am back, away again and back.

   This is a test of the Facebook Status Message System. The user of this status has developed this system to keep you informed in the event of an emergency. If this was an actual emergency, I sure as hell wouldn't still be here but running around screamin

   I'll put a bird bath in my yard when the birds install a car wash in my garage.

   going to start a rival site to Facebook. Not to compete with Facebook but for your rivals. You could get in touch with all your arch-enemies, and show how much you dislike them.

   It's cute how the news wants me to stick around until 11 for the forecast. As if I didn't have 100 other ways to get that info in seconds.

   **best way to be noticed in a bank** EVERYBODY FREEZE!....did anybody else feel that earthquake?

   wants to know: if you went to bed with a schizophrenic, would it count as a threesome? Just asking.....

   Thinks there should be a sarcasm font....would make FB life so much easier.....

   I am constantly washing my hands just in case I am required to deliver a baby in a broken elevator.

   Sitting at home looking at boobies on the internet is much like being at a strip club. You are drunk as hell, can't actually touch them and there is usually some weird ass music playing, but at least it's cheaper!

   hates driving by people who are texting and driving. It's times like that, that I wish my Subaru came with rocket launchers