Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   did I really just see a guy on a bicycle carrying a 30 rack of Busch?

   a stranger in a strange land. And that land is Denny's at 3am on a weekend.

   I wish they would make hold music for cell phones

   Every time you open your mouth, some idiot starts talking

   Dude... I just walked outside and my air conditioner flipped me the finger!

   Parents should be reminded, gently and often, that "I love you ANYWAY" is not a compliment.

   You're like the moron that brought a knife to the gun fight and then bragged about how sharp it was..

   I'm going back to the social network I enjoyed as a kid. It was called "outside".

   Did you ever think that maybe there is more to life than being really, really, really, ridiculously good looking?

   There's always a little truth behind every "just kidding". A little knowledge behind every "I don't know". A little emotion behind every "I don't care", and a little pain behind every "it's okay"...

   I'm a little tea pot, short and stout... Consequently, my brother the beer keg gets all the chicks."

   it just me, or are the people who claim they hate drama actually the most dramatic people I know?

   Cheer up Prince Charles! They only vandalised your car with a bit of white paint. It's not like they deliberately chased your car into a tunnel during the night and murdered you.

   Woke up this morning, looked down and one of my toes was missing, There was a note stuck to my foot that said 'Gone To Market'

   people are always asking whats the meaning of life, why dont they just look it up in the dictionary. Duh!!!!

   I am sensing a great disturbance in the force. A disturbance I havn't felt since Darth W Bush was in office. I fear the new sith lord Darth Pelosi is starting trouble.

   Sometimes I try to masturbate long words into my jokes, even if I don't know what they mean.

   You break her jaw we break your legs...and arms...and back.

   If my mother knew how many potential grandchildren I swallowed I wonder if she'd be proud or appalled.

   OMG! Anyone know the number of the water treatment plant? I need to let em know I just sent something their way that is going to cause trouble when it gets there....Lordy Lordy Lordy!