Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If yesterday was "May the Fourth Be With You" is tomorrow "Revenge of the Sixth"?

   If God loves us why do we have ear hair

   Good news is when your daughter pays back the $3000 she owes you. Bad news is when she gives it to you in singles that smell like whiskey & cigarettes.

   How does Ice-T order an Iced Tea without sounding like a douche?

   My thesaurus can beat up your vocabulary's ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.

   "Fidget Spinners are so dumb pointless." -The generation that purchased over 5 million Pet Rocks.

   Rump roast is called rump roast because nobody would eat it if it was called cow's ass

   I was just cursing the bag boy at the grocery store for leaving out my Reece's cups and then I remembered I used self-checkout.

   Apologizing does not always mean you are wrong. It just means that you value your relationships more than your ego.

   Accidentally bought a bag of raw almonds. Turns out I don't like almonds, I like salt...

   It looks like everyone wants Jon Snow to play NFL...he wont bend a knee

   Hugh Heffner...the only person who we can truly say is not in a better place now...

   Bruce Willis to return for Die Hard 6. Working titles are "Die Hard: Speak Up Please" and "Die Hard: When I was your age"

   I'am a compulsive liar. Every thing I say is a lie. And that's the truth.

   The hole in a guitar is traditionally used to store soft cheeses and dried meats which are fed to the drummer when he does a good job

   *gives ex wife's next door neighbour a drum kit for Christmas*

   It's almost 2020 and we still haven't made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.

   It costs today's parents $235,000 to raise a child. And that's just for the alcohol.

   "Shia LaBeouf" sounds like something a French guy would say after a really raunchy fart.

   What is this mythical "leftover" Bacon of which you speak ?