Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   On the 8th day, God created beer, to keep Canadians from taking over the world:)

   CNN just posed the question: "Who should get the Bin Laden bounty?" I don't want the dude's paper towels!

   Inside me there is a thin, blonde, glamourous woman. But that's just because I lost a bet at a sorority party and had to eat a barbie doll."

   Ex girlfriends are like herpes...... you ignore them for a few months and then BAM, theyre back, obnoxious as ever.

   The Eskimo's allegedly have 52 words for snow. I have several words for snow also...

   Poor Snooki, Charlie Sheen wouldnt even hit that.

   Don't be pushed around by your problems; be led by your courage.

   The proper word that describes you would be vinegar sac. Yep, I just said douche bag but in a fancy way!

   The later I get, the drunker it is.

   Don't type to me in THAT tone of voice!

   I can't stand those people who hate football but still go along to games to deliberately cause trouble and ruin them for everybody else. Bloody referees.

   I just kicked my shoe off my foot and it bounced off the excercise ball and hit me in the face

   Johnny,if you have 13 chocolate bars.Then you give 5 to Anita,4 to Krystyn n 4 to June. What'll you have? Johnny: 3 new girl friends

   Dancing with the Stars 2011: The last time I saw the names of these "stars" was when I last played the Trivial Pursuit "Nobody Gives a Crap" Edition.

   WARNING!!!! New virus on FB! (ASTC-virus, AssStuckToChair). The virus glues you to your chair for several hours! No housework will be done, children will starve and the dog will not get its walk. You're likely to lose all contact to the outside world. Put

   I think it would be cool to actually see a tornado before I die, just not RIGHT before.

   I have no idea how I got 80% of my stuff.

   You know its time to move on when you start falling asleep during sex.

   Metaphorically Speaking...Beware of those self-absorbed people that are more concerned with the scratch on their car than the people in the car they hit

   changed my relationship with Facebook to "Its complicated"