Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I was kid, werewolves and vampires were scary. Now everyone wants to damn date them.

   I bought a Sharpie so I could draw abs on my stomach. I guess I got a little carried away 'cause they ended up looking like grill marks on a pork chop.

   FACT: any time someone tells you they're "about 20 minutes away" they're lying. They haven't left yet.

   The baby laughing alone in the back of the vehicle at nothing in particular goes from adorable to creepy after only a couple miles.....

   Some women have mood swings, some have entire playgrounds with slides and merrygorounds and teeter totters. You should avoid those ones, Unless they are willing to have sex on the monkey bars, you can make an exception for those ones...

   Before Twitter we really had no way of knowing which of our favorite celebrities were also total illiterates.

   I just got stripped of 7 of my kick ball titles they found out I had performance enhancer shoes

   Every guy has a soft sensitive side. It's called “I need to get laid and I'll say and do anything to make it happen.”

   Did you know that if you watch Twilight backwards... it's still crap.

   A TV chef just explained, "it's the heat that starts the cooking process"... Hmmm,, Let me just write that down

   Just found my TV remote and a newspaper in my fridge. It's pretty awesome that society lets me live by myself.

   Remember that things always get worse before they get better. Unless, you know, you die in the process of it getting worse.

   Remember people, good manners is what separates us from the French

   Just once, I would like to see a person on a daytime talk show say, "dad was a good parent...mom was a good parent...the problem is me, I'm just a sheethead."

   I would love to kill you with kindness,but all I have is this knife.

   Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.

   thinks it's quite possible that I will be as unproductive today as I was yesterday.

   nodding off at the computer. I think I've been here too long. Just one more website and then I'll check my facebook page again. Oh yeah, I gotta make sure I got that email. After that, I'll go to bed.

   The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

   A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.