Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.

   Either she's wearing last night's clothes or she had alcohol and shame for breakfast.

   So what if Melania plagiarized? It's not like she exposed National Security, deleted classified emails and was investigated by the FBI.

   When they kneel during the National Anthem, we should stop the music and announce "Since we are kneeling, let us pray."

   It's not the hundreds of thousands of women that marched yesterday that impresses me... It's the hundreds of thousands of men at home, by themselves, who had to go without sandwiches the whole time... They're the real heroes!

   There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.

   made an observation at the drug store today. There's an aisle that pretty much sums up the phases of life in products. Diapers, condoms, and adult diapers. From peeing in your pants, to lots of sex, then, back to peeing in your pants.

   A true friend sees the first tear... catches the second... and stops the third

   I believe what politicians say as much as I believe the person who says, "I never got that text."

   I just saved a lot of time in the doctor's office waiting room by walking around with a clipboard and showing people to any empty room. When the doctor showed up, I was the only one there.

   If You look in fortune cookie, you are a pathetic fool who seeks advice from bakery products.

   I don't hate you, I just don't appreciate your existence.

   I am very much an acquired taste. If you don't like me, I suggest you acquire some good taste!

   90% awesome (i know its not 100% but I have more awesomeness than Taco Bell has beef)

   I saw a sign earlier that said 'Watch Batteries Fitted Here'. I couldn't see the entertainment in it myself.

   What happens in Vegas end up on Facebook

   Pro Tip: When one of your roomies is having a fight with his girlfriend, always take sides with the girl - that way you'll get first shag if they split.

   I advertised on the internet for a wife, I got a 1000 emails saying "Hey you can take mine"

   My sister was with two men in one night. She could hardly walk after that. Can you imagine? Two dinners!

   was just kicked out of Walmart for giving myself a breast exam. Apparenlty I misunderstood the concept of a self check out lane.