Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The existence of flamethrowers proves that someone once said, “I want to set those people over there on fire but I'm just not close enough.”

   Whatever the mind of man can conceive, it can achieve.

   Will Seth Meyers continue to be on television now that the Clinton 2016 team is dissolving?

   'When we were kids, we didn't have Pokemon Go. If we wanted to look for things that weren't there, we would get stoned like normal people.'

   Oh and BTW, ,, Why haven't Pig Pen's parents been visited by child services yet?

   It's a good thing I'm not in charge of a vote #recount . I'd charge five million bucks, wait a week, and say "We're done. It's the same as the first time."

   Slightly used Christmas tree only one month old. Paid $60. Looking for $40. No low ballers. Serious inquiries only.

   Gee, Judging by the lack of smiles on peoples faces today .... A lot of Valentine's wishes went unanswered.

   Hollywood actors praising themselves...The Oscars smh

   Just bought a crap load of staples from Staples. Headed to Dick's now.....

   A smart man washes his hands after he pees. A wise man doesn't pee on his fingers.

   Just because school isn't for you, doesn't mean rapping is.

   When the dryer buzzer scares you so bad you have to do another load of laundry.

   My Ex knows enough to have the Clintons put away . Just putting this out .

   The night before the kids go back to school is the grown ups version of Christmas Eve.

   Do you ever wonder what your pets biological parents would have named them?

   Just sneezed and felt something pop in my neck and my left hand went numb. Might have to put off my UFC career for another week.

   Can anyone recommend a good book to tell people I'm reading?

   When I was a kid I made my dad a clay ashtray. Millennials probably think I should be locked up.

   While weighting my self on the bathroom scale I sucked in my gut. My wife laugh and said do you think that's help you weigh less ? I said no but it does help me to see how much I weigh.