Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   think about this. if you put a banana down you have to put it on its side. but if you slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why I don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem

   I’m going to start following my dogs lead and bite some ankles when you get too close to me.

   My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her. She bought me eye drops.

   Think I've been staying home isolating for too long as I just watched a Hallmark holiday Christmas movie in its entirety and I actually thought it wasn't corny.

   kicked out of the bowling alley for dribbling again

   My Grandmother is telling me a story of how my Grandfather turned into a sex machine after he got Alzheimer’s bc he thought she was his hot new girlfriend and would tell her, “you’re nothing like that hellcat I was married to”

   The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts while the stupid ones are full of confidence. Is this true? I have my doubts.

   No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.

   Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.

   I got mugged by 6 dwarves last night... Not Happy.

   I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.

   Tampax is the newest sponsor of NASCAR. If you're looking for tickets to the Tampon 500, I could pull some strings!

   Rapper "Pop Smoke" has died. Please respect my privacy at this time, while I try to figure out who the heck he was.

   Every disaster movie starts with the government ignoring a scientist.

   Some youths have stolen all the bus stop signs down my road... Where do they get off?

   Fun Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the "send" button by 95%...

   Going to Wal-Mart will help build up your immune system for just about everything except Covid-19...

   The wife asked me to sell my Hall and Oates collection. I said I can’t go for that, no can do.

   I want to hear 99 people sing 'Africa' by Toto. It's something that a hundred men or more could never do.

   I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.