Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?...”

   Service so bad the waitress owes you money

   I'm not the one who spent $600 on a first class ticket for my pet rabbit. Blame my wife!!

   Losing an argument with your woman? Just tell her "My mom was right about you" to get the upper hand.

   I, put commas, in, weird places, so that you, read my jokes, like, William Shatner!

   Will Seth Meyers continue to be on television now that the Clinton 2016 team is dissolving?

   'When we were kids, we didn't have Pokemon Go. If we wanted to look for things that weren't there, we would get stoned like normal people.'

   Oh and BTW, ,, Why haven't Pig Pen's parents been visited by child services yet?

   It's a good thing I'm not in charge of a vote #recount . I'd charge five million bucks, wait a week, and say "We're done. It's the same as the first time."

   Slightly used Christmas tree only one month old. Paid $60. Looking for $40. No low ballers. Serious inquiries only.

   Gee, Judging by the lack of smiles on peoples faces today .... A lot of Valentine's wishes went unanswered.

   Hollywood actors praising themselves...The Oscars smh

   Just bought a crap load of staples from Staples. Headed to Dick's now.....

   A smart man washes his hands after he pees. A wise man doesn't pee on his fingers.

   Drink Bacardi while you workout and call it Bacardio

   I hope instagram is still around in 10 years so I can show my kids what my food looked like in 2013

   Day 4 of no alcohol: Morale is low. I just drank some eye drops.

   Why is sorting "Price: High to Low" even an option

   What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Phillipe Phillope.

   So tired I just ignored a fly walking on my face like I was in an 80's hunger commercial.