Lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   My mate told me that she was having nothing to do with me anymore because she was fed up with my bad habits. I nearly choked on my toenail.

   Tiger Woods: never satisfied with a hole in one.

   Why does a blonde have TGIF written on thier shoes? Toes Go In First.

   heavily medicated for your protection.

   Every time I step on my scale, it reads ERR. I think it's trying to change the subject.

   If you need space then work at NASA.

   99% of all lawyers give the rest a bad name.

   I love to whisper in a woman's ear. Not because I'm romantic, but because I don't want other people to hear me lying.

   Why don't the blind go skydiving? Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

   If I had a nickel for every time I've misplaced my keys, there'd be a jarful of money I would also have to look for.

   Lady Gaga admitted that she does cocaine. Not really surprising news. What is surprising? She snorts it off her penis.

   I bought a cheese grater for Stevie Wonder. He said it was the most violent book he's ever read.

   A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken.

   Alcohol was my dad's answer to everything. He didn't drink. He was just lousy at quizzes.

   Anything you say will be held against you. "Tit".

   Just a guess, but I'm suspecting if the Cancer Society held drinkathons instead of walkathons, we'd have a cure by now

   If you think things improve with age, attend a class reunion.

   Where there's smoke, the possibility exists I might be cooking...

   Facebook isn't better than sex, but sliced bread is in serious trouble

   Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.