Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When is National Slap a Co-worker Day? asking for a friend

   Beginning to think my dog will never accept my leg 'just wants to be friends.'

   I'm getting so sick of these double standards. Burn a body at the mortuary and "You're doing your job", do it at home and you're "destroying evidence".

   Watching Home Alone 3 and wondering what's taking children's services so long?

   Nearly wrecked my car trying to save my tacos from falling. Before you question my priorities let me point out, there was sour cream on them.

   .... The Older I get the meaner I get .... I'm pretty sure within the next few years I'll be biting people.

   "Nipping it in the bud" sounds way more fun than it actually is.

   Well well well if it isn't the bills I keep throwing away.

   They need to hurry the f**k up and make these damn robots! I'm not gonna live forever you know!

   They've asked me to appear on “I Shouldn't Be Alive.” I didn't survive anything. They just don't like me.

   Smart phones shouldn't be given to dumb people. It's like giving an annoyingly loud toy to an obnoxious child.

   Harold Camping is selling his "Magic 8-ball", anybody interested?

   Heard that you should carry whiskey with you in case of snakebite. In related news: I just bought a snake.

   If at first you do succeed, try something harder

   "The biggest mistake you can make is being afraid to make one" (",)

   I have curves and i'm not afraid to use them.!!!

   Like all great artists, Tony Danza never actually came out and said who the boss was. They left it to the viewer to decide.

   Workin' hard or hardly saying anything original?

   Death smiles at us all, all you can do is smile back.

   If you truly understand me, you'll let me be annoying