Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Give a girl an inch and she'll want the other 6 too

   When is National Slap a Co-worker Day? asking for a friend

   Beginning to think my dog will never accept my leg 'just wants to be friends.'

   I'm getting so sick of these double standards. Burn a body at the mortuary and "You're doing your job", do it at home and you're "destroying evidence".

   Watching Home Alone 3 and wondering what's taking children's services so long?

   Nearly wrecked my car trying to save my tacos from falling. Before you question my priorities let me point out, there was sour cream on them.

   .... The Older I get the meaner I get .... I'm pretty sure within the next few years I'll be biting people.

   "Nipping it in the bud" sounds way more fun than it actually is.

   Well well well if it isn't the bills I keep throwing away.

   Will Seth Meyers continue to be on television now that the Clinton 2016 team is dissolving?

   'When we were kids, we didn't have Pokemon Go. If we wanted to look for things that weren't there, we would get stoned like normal people.'

   Oh and BTW, ,, Why haven't Pig Pen's parents been visited by child services yet?

   It's a good thing I'm not in charge of a vote #recount . I'd charge five million bucks, wait a week, and say "We're done. It's the same as the first time."

   Slightly used Christmas tree only one month old. Paid $60. Looking for $40. No low ballers. Serious inquiries only.

   Gee, Judging by the lack of smiles on peoples faces today .... A lot of Valentine's wishes went unanswered.

   Hollywood actors praising themselves...The Oscars smh

   Just bought a crap load of staples from Staples. Headed to Dick's now.....

   A smart man washes his hands after he pees. A wise man doesn't pee on his fingers.

   Just because school isn't for you, doesn't mean rapping is.

   When the dryer buzzer scares you so bad you have to do another load of laundry.