Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Search Messages:
just got barred from Home Depot, some idiot in an orange apron came up to me and asked me if I wanted decking, lucky I got the first punch in!!!! 
If I had super powers I would be so totally dangerous.
A police recruit was asked during exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest ur own wife?" He said, "Call for backup."
..hates her internal clock. It doesn't have a snooze button and it hurts to throw herself across the room..
hates when his cat thinks outside the box!
Tis the season again, the first snow! Please let me say to all idiots who think that since they have an SUV you somehow gain super powers and are invincible, TIRES ON ICE ARE TIRES ON ICE your 4x4 this doesn't stop you from sliding on ice you morons!
they just said that the new year's ball weighs 12,000 pounds..... wait, I thought Snookie wasn't in the ball?? wtf
.My sun block is 100% effective. It's called a house.
sweating like a cat at a Chinese restaurant
remembering the days when hey arnold and doug were apart of his everyday tv lineup
I find it fascinating that the Media always has a hard on to ask Ivanka Trump about how HER father treats women .... BUT for some reason NO media outlet whatsoever ...... NEVER asks Chelsea Clinton that. .... Curious isn't it.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
My son is really struggling with english in school. Nobody else in his class can speak it.
The real reason Trump has fired so many people is, he really likes eating their going away cake.
So ABC/Disney cancel "Last Man Standing".... The Hollywood left strikes again.
President Trump shouldn't send Hillary Clinton to prison... He should appoint her as the Ambassador of Libya... You broke it, you bought it!!
Do rednecks get fatter so they can have bigger tattoos?
Sorry, but sleeping with someone named "Stormy" doesn't make you an expert on hurricanes.
Not saying I'm in dire need of affection but the next girl I date better be an octopus on ecstacy.
Buying everyone at the office an@l beads didn't go over very well . 