Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My million dollar idea: "Homework-flavored" dog food.

   I want a job naming military operations. It be great to hear a stoic general talk about how "Operation My little pony" was a success

   has decided the best response to "Suck it" is hereby known as "Sorry, I'm not allowed to put small things in my mouth!"

   Every day as the years go by I find myself missing a special certain someone from my past. Lucky for me my aim is improving.

   Hey guy walking down the street talking on bluetooth with a bag in one hand and nothing in the other, please use your free hand to slap yourself

   My supervisor told me "I like working with you. You're the only one I can have a interlectrical conversation with". I don't know if I should feel honored, or ashamed that this man is my boss

   I rather be a known drunk, than an Anonimous Alcoholic

   you know its over when there's nothing left to say

   gone of the deep end, knowing that prison inmates can now poke me!

   egypt had 10 plagues, I think they can handel ppl in sweat suits throwin rocks.. .

   In case you havn't been outside or looked at any of your 376 other friends status's... I'm stating the obvious, it's cold.

   Go ahead, tell us everything you know. It'll only take 10 seconds.

   Who doesn't deserve a spanking now and again?

   gonna miss Gaddafi's outfits. He makes Lady Gaga look like Johnny Cash

   Ham and Eggs: A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.

   This time of year every store is advertising as "your one stop shop!" Really? I'm in college, I'm pretty sure that's the liquor store.

   I'm pretty awesome at tripping over stuff that isn't even there.

   sharing is caring, but I don't care

   I hate you. I only do you because I have to. Plus, you smell funny. Anybody else hate doing the laundry?

   Doing work on the bathroom, went to Lowe's and, long story short, still not mature enough to ask for caulk without laughing