Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   hates when his cat thinks outside the box!

   A police recruit was asked during exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest ur own wife?" He said, "Call for backup."

   Tis the season again, the first snow! Please let me say to all idiots who think that since they have an SUV you somehow gain super powers and are invincible, TIRES ON ICE ARE TIRES ON ICE your 4x4 this doesn't stop you from sliding on ice you morons!

   they just said that the new year's ball weighs 12,000 pounds..... wait, I thought Snookie wasn't in the ball?? wtf

   I find it fascinating that the Media always has a hard on to ask Ivanka Trump about how HER father treats women .... BUT for some reason NO media outlet whatsoever ...... NEVER asks Chelsea Clinton that. .... Curious isn't it.

   My son is really struggling with english in school. Nobody else in his class can speak it.

   The real reason Trump has fired so many people is, he really likes eating their going away cake.

   So ABC/Disney cancel "Last Man Standing".... The Hollywood left strikes again.

   Do rednecks get fatter so they can have bigger tattoos?

   Sorry, but sleeping with someone named "Stormy" doesn't make you an expert on hurricanes.

   I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.

   President Trump shouldn't send Hillary Clinton to prison... He should appoint her as the Ambassador of Libya... You broke it, you bought it!!

   Not saying I'm in dire need of affection but the next girl I date better be an octopus on ecstacy.

   Buying everyone at the office an@l beads didn't go over very well .

   I put the 'me' in camouflage; you just don't see it.

   Dude fell at Walgreen's & my CPR training instantly kicked in! Had to hit him with the AED (defibrillator) like three times though, because he kept resisting.........

   Can't believe it's almost Christmas in July

   What do you call it when 2 guys fight over a slut? Tug-of-whor

   When my girlfriend is angry, I go to Facebook and constantly refresh my relationship status to see if I'm single again.

   Live each day like it is your last. Murmuring regrets and occasionally spitting up blood