Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think most of Adele's songs are about a cheeseburger.

   funniest joke ever... 2 women sitting on a bench minding their own business saying nothing

   Move like Michael Jackson, Tonight on BBC 3, Is a contest,to find out who can move like Micheal Jackson....Am I alone in thinking,that really all the winner needs to do,is lie down & be still for half an hour ?

   From the moment I saw u, I wanted to be inside u, I love ur smell, the way ur tongue feels, the way you tighten and loosen mmm..NEW SHOES

   finally done with his taxes and has come to the conclusion that taxation WITH respresentation isn't that great either!

   Omicron is an anagram for Moronic. They are straight up messing with us at this point.

   had his left side removed. He's all right now

   The black iPhone is better at stealing WiFi.

   drinking at the bar so I took a bus home. That may not be a big deal to you... but I've never driven a bus before.

   Are yall gonna watch Biden and the state of delusion address

   The diamond ring on your finger says "married" but the reveling clothes you are wearing says "still looking."

   I need a female exercise partner. When I say exercise I mean emotionless sex.

   I think the whitest thing about me is after I get my hair cut, I like to leave the barber shop.

   NFL players are getting kind of soft. I've seen harder hits in an elevator

   My resume is just a piece of paper that says "Please don't Google me."

   "I bet you $50 I can come on the cab driver's neck before we get there" *Things to say on your phone in a taxi that will cut your drive time in half*

   If you have a car payment on your Kia, you're doing it wrong...

   I love running my fingers through my girlfriend's hair. It's also a great way to let her know we're out of napkins.

   Getting Sticky Buns from a bakery is awesome. Getting Sticky Buns from the toilet seat at work... not so much ツ

   I saw a fat guy with a "M.O.B." tattoo on his arm. I asked "money over b*tches?" He said "No, McDonalds over Burger King.