Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   From the moment I saw u, I wanted to be inside u, I love ur smell, the way ur tongue feels, the way you tighten and loosen mmm..NEW SHOES

   Move like Michael Jackson, Tonight on BBC 3, Is a contest,to find out who can move like Micheal Jackson....Am I alone in thinking,that really all the winner needs to do,is lie down & be still for half an hour ?

   Rihanna should date Lebron... he never beats anyone.

   All those years of phone sex has caught up with my grandfather. He has hearing AIDS

   The brochure for my new camera says that the shutter speed is so fast that you can photograph a hummingbirds wings in flight, or a woman with her mouth shut

   I think most of Adele's songs are about a cheeseburger.

   Omicron is an anagram for Moronic. They are straight up messing with us at this point.

   had his left side removed. He's all right now

   The black iPhone is better at stealing WiFi.

   Are yall gonna watch Biden and the state of delusion address

   drinking at the bar so I took a bus home. That may not be a big deal to you... but I've never driven a bus before.

   Some people are still alive today only because it's against the law to kill them

   I hear my neighbor is holding her Saturday night mass. "Oh god! "Oh lord!" Oh jesus!"

   Saw a black velvet Kenny Rogers painting today. I wish I was kidding, but I'm not.

   Our welcome mat is missing its L. I'd leave it that way but I'm afraid it'll look like we're bragging.

   Women need to learn that, "most of my friends are guys" just means you have a list of dudes who harbour secret ambitions of banging you someday.

   to everyone who sends me request in Farmvillie I'm gonna send you a tree for ur farm so you can hang yourself!!

   The diamond ring on your finger says "married" but the reveling clothes you are wearing says "still looking."

   I need a female exercise partner. When I say exercise I mean emotionless sex.

   I think the whitest thing about me is after I get my hair cut, I like to leave the barber shop.