Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I would never tell someone how to do their job but I don't think each of the 78 items I purchased at the grocery store needed their own bag.

   Don't you hate it when people call or text you at 5 or 6am just to ask you "whats up?"... I mean really? I am now. thank you!!.."

   why does ben rothlisberger cry after sex? ... because the pepper spray hurts so much.

   My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.

   Its pretty sad when even your xmas tree has blue balls.

   I try to be positive. Except on medical tests.

   knew she was nuts when squirrels started looking at her funny!

   ..will keep a close eye on Santas stat updates. The minute he writes "just passed over crack house with ugly skank looking out window" i'll wave.

   has mixed his Ativan with Nyquil...and thinks he just saw Elvis making a grilled cheese in his kitchen...

   Eggs Benedict should always be served in a hubcap. There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.

   *sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard* *buys all the lottery tickets*

   In high school I was voted class clown because I dragged like three kids into the sewer

   I have sychic powers. For example, right now you’re thinking, “it’s psychic.”

   Your mindset is everything. You can have it all and still be unhappy, or you can have nothing and still manage to be happy.

   People under the age of 30 have never listened to a record, so if you say "I don't want to sound like a broken record," they don't know what that means, they don't know what that means, they don't know what that means, they don't know what that means.

   I parked in front of gym today & ate lunch #Babysteps

   I don't always "Whoop", but when I do, there it is...

   I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele But here we are

   Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed. I jiggled the change in my pocket.

   I got my long-awaited colonoscopy last week. I was going to upload the full video, but decided to hold off on that, mostly because I want Morgan Freeman to narrate it.