Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Misplaced my smart car. Thought I left it on the counter... And yes, I checked in the couch cushions already

   I got 99 problems and walking over the Grand Canyon isn't one of them, # Insane.

   I try to be positive. Except on medical tests.

   saw a whino eating grapes. I was like "Whoa, buddy. You have to wait....."

   The fact that I don't feel an ant crawling on me until it bites me makes me think that ninja school I went to was a total sham.

   Why when you wanna break up you hear this "u will never find someone like me?" NO Serious do you think that I leave you For being with someone like u????!

   My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.

   Its pretty sad when even your xmas tree has blue balls.

   Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them?

   Yoko Ono will once again oppose the parole of Mark David Chapman - the man who shot and killed John Lennon 30 years ago. Perhaps she ought to rethink that - I hear Chapman has a Jonas Brothers obsession now.

   Always remember you're unique - just like everyone else.

   I would never tell someone how to do their job but I don't think each of the 78 items I purchased at the grocery store needed their own bag.

   Don't you hate it when people call or text you at 5 or 6am just to ask you "whats up?"... I mean really? I am now. thank you!!.."

   why does ben rothlisberger cry after sex? ... because the pepper spray hurts so much.

   knew she was nuts when squirrels started looking at her funny!

   ..will keep a close eye on Santas stat updates. The minute he writes "just passed over crack house with ugly skank looking out window" i'll wave.

   has mixed his Ativan with Nyquil...and thinks he just saw Elvis making a grilled cheese in his kitchen...

   Eggs Benedict should always be served in a hubcap. There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.

   *sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard* *buys all the lottery tickets*

   In high school I was voted class clown because I dragged like three kids into the sewer