Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Shout out to the single lady I saw buying a bunch of Duracell batteries on Valentine's Day.

   Just saw a sign at the hospital. "Planned Parenting. Use Rear Door". I suppose that would work.

   Son, your mother and I need to talk to you. We went through your room earlier and found....NO drugs OR p orn?! What are you some kind of nerd

   Ever since I heard that women have one breast bigger than the other,it's given me another reason to stare.

   May the itch of a thousand crabs affect the one who ruins your day and may their arms be too short to scratch.

   Advice for office managers: Keep the sexual harassment complaint forms in the bottom drawer. That way, when she goes to get one you'll get a great view of her ass.

   I know a lot of people that remind me of clouds. Mainly because as soon as they disappear my day is brighter.

   wondering if anyone else has noticed that the default facebook profile picture for females looks like a silhouette of darth vader

   No I did not watch the Royal wedding! What's the big deal? Two things kept me from watching it. They're called tesicles.

   checking in. I'm at a party with some people but not saying where or with whom because if you aren't here, you weren't invited.

   Syria: Riots stop when authorities use tanks. Italy: Riots stop as police fire rubber bullets. Greece: End to riots as police deploy water cannon and tear gas. England: Riots stop... because it's raining. Makes one proud to be British.

   When I was little, I thought my name was shuddup.

   I hope the penalty for providing false information to law enforcement officers includes sterilization.

   In life, every one of us is dealing with different kinds of problems. The trick is not about comparing your problems with other people, it's about solving your own.

   ALCOHOL! Giving you the ambition to do anything, while simultaneously taking away your capability to do so.

   You can have hundreds and hundreds of friends on Facebook, but that won't make you stop staying "WTF?" when that number goes down by 1....

   feels Ripped Off after having bought this book titled "How to Make a Woman Constantly Happy"..... 469 Blank Pages!! :-/

   Once in a while you need to ask yourself, If sex was removed from your relationship, would you still be together. Would you still have a relationship to talk about? Or you owe your relationship to great sex?

   If I seem to give a damn, please tell me. I would hate to be giving the wrong impression!!!

   "What do you mean the Broncos played last week?" -God