Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wearing my PJ pants, slippers, and carrying a Walmart bag for Halloween this year. That's right, I'm a Walmart Shopper.

   Love comes in all shapes and sizes. A-cup B-cup C-cup D-cup..Coffee cup.

   I have enough money to last the rest of my life. As long as I don't buy anything.

   think I speak for everyone when I say no one can speak for all of us.

   Diet goal: I want to lose just enough so that my hand will fit comfortably in a Pringles can...

   I feel like there should be more breakfast beers on the market.

   There are 2 types of people in this world, those who press "door close" in the elevator before others can jump on & those who are liars

   Why aren't there more Christmas songs about revenge?

   Facebook is for entertainment. Nobody really cares about how sad and lonely you are, you better add some jokes on the end of that post

   Shout out to the single lady I saw buying a bunch of Duracell batteries on Valentine's Day.

   Just saw a sign at the hospital. "Planned Parenting. Use Rear Door". I suppose that would work.

   Son, your mother and I need to talk to you. We went through your room earlier and found....NO drugs OR p orn?! What are you some kind of nerd

   Ever since I heard that women have one breast bigger than the other,it's given me another reason to stare.

   May the itch of a thousand crabs affect the one who ruins your day and may their arms be too short to scratch.

   Advice for office managers: Keep the sexual harassment complaint forms in the bottom drawer. That way, when she goes to get one you'll get a great view of her ass.

   I know a lot of people that remind me of clouds. Mainly because as soon as they disappear my day is brighter.

   wondering if anyone else has noticed that the default facebook profile picture for females looks like a silhouette of darth vader

   No I did not watch the Royal wedding! What's the big deal? Two things kept me from watching it. They're called tesicles.

   checking in. I'm at a party with some people but not saying where or with whom because if you aren't here, you weren't invited.

   Syria: Riots stop when authorities use tanks. Italy: Riots stop as police fire rubber bullets. Greece: End to riots as police deploy water cannon and tear gas. England: Riots stop... because it's raining. Makes one proud to be British.