Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I already know this is going to be a disaster. I pregret this.

   My gym bag is so funny. Today it was like “What does the outside of your car trunk look like?” and “What's a gym?”

   Procrastination is a disease! I'll do something about it tomorrow.

   Defensive Eating: Strategically consuming food for the sole purpose of preventing others from getting it.

   It's true that fame is unimportant. No matter how great a man is, the size of his funeral usually depends on the weather.

   Ladies.. Let no past relationship ruin your love life. Remember: "Love will only fail when you fail to love!" Keep moving!

   Never realized how annoying some people can be. Then you opened my eyes.

   Can yall imagine what Thanksgiving is going to be like in the Anthony home this year...AWKWARD!!

   The chicken crossed the road so he can show possums that it can be done!

   I'm thinking of converting my car to steam power. I think if I actually burned the $1 bills I'd get more bang for my buck.

   If I see someone trying to seize the day, I'll step in and try to save the day.

   I don't care if being apathetic is wrong.

   if I don't answer my phone .. it's probably cause I am dancing to the ring tone

   Relationships are like math problems. Sometimes you have to take someone out of the equation, put someone else in, and everything balances out.

   I Like that you Like what I Liked before I Liked it. Can we be friends?

   Even North Korea has to wait on hold for hours to reach tech support in India

   "If Donald Duck doesn't have to wear pants than neither do I!" Me getting drunk at Disney World.

   I think winners should aspire to gather more than just a chicken dinner.

   Saw a huge spider the size of a walnut while I was taking a shower so I pulled off the curtain rod & pole vaulted myself into the hallway.

   This is the worst carnival ever. I can't believe they blocked the street off for this. Sir, this is a crime scene.