Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Black Parents: "When we get in this Restaurant you 8, OKAY?" Son: But mama I'm 12 . Mom: *SMACK* "Listen Here, Yo a$s is 8 you hear me?!"

   Did anybody ever end up getting Jay-Z a what what? I think he also asked for a woop woop.

   "It's impossible," said pride. "It's risky," said experience. "It's pointless," said reason. "Give it a try," whispered the heart.

   you ever drink so much when your sitting on the coach and you start looking for a seatbelt.

   wonders who is going to play the chick with the 3 boobs in the Total Recall remake... (o)(o)o)

   China has largest population not because the men are extra horny nor women are extra fertile but because... Their condoms are made in China.

   thinks it's kind of cruel that those people who fought in WWII and survived Mustard Gas and Pepper Spray are now referred to as 'Seasoned Veterans'....

   what do you call a Chinese man with a camera?....... Phil Ming

   Just heard a really fat woman say she was starving and she couldn't wait for lunch. Um, no you're not and yes you can.

   "I'm fat!" "Me too!" "Thigh five"

   She told me to make my own sandwich. I told her to make her own money.

   Did you know that 98% of Ford trucks sold within the past decade are still on the road today? The other 2% actually made it home…

   Pro Tip: If your EBT Card is declined because of the government shutdown GET A PHUGGING JOB!

   Sometimes, my secretary reminds me of my wife. I was unbuttoning her shirt the other day during our lunch break when she said, "Remember, you have a wife."

   We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as Zombies they'll dig the wrong way...It's called thinking ahead people!

   Every time you have McDonald’s as a kid, it’s a victory. Every time you have it as an adult, it’s a defeat.

   What if you get to heaven and God is like "Nah bra you can't get in. Remember when you saw my picture on Facebook and you kept scrolling?"

   gives her friends permission to change her status to "is chilling with Jesus" after she dies

   "Love" is purely a chemical imbalance of serotonin, dopamine, & norepinephrine. It is nothing magical or "special"; just simply an irregularity in the brain; a "two-faced high"

   I don't get drunk .. I get AWESOME!!