Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Did you know 4.8 billion people own mobile phones whereas only 4.2 billion own a toothbrush.

   My wife is not buying that autocorrect changed “You’re psychic” to “You’re psycho.”

   Next generation Monopoly pieces: -Croc. -Fedora. -Prius. -iPhone. -Starbucks cup. -A thimble because we've made very little progress in that area.

   If somebody doesn't text me back within 5 minutes I assume they don't love me or that they've died from loving me too much.

   People always ask why no one immediately moves out of a haunted house but it's like UGH moving suuuuuucks.

   When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole "vampire/not a vampire" question out of the way.

   Just saw a sign in the bathroom that said "Wash Hands Before Returning to Work"....luckily I don't go back to work until next week!

   You used to be able to tell a finicky child his meal was made with love. Now they double check if it's gluten-free love.

   Life has given me many scars. And by 'life' I mean my (several) attempts at rollerblading.

   Anyone have a copy of "Men are from Bars, Women are from Venus" my girlfriend suggested I read it....Don't really need to read it, that's where we met.

   When someone asks you to guess their age it's best to go low. That's why I always say 3, just in case.

   Everybody at this sports bar looks like a deleted selfie.

   Apparently something has seriously gone wrong with my financial goals ... Evidently I am now on some kind of get rich slow scheme.

   Hipster haunted house but it's just a Trader Joe's filled with Walmart brand products.

   No thanks, sweatshirts without hoods. I have enough problems already.

   93% of the internet is people noticing things in the background of photos.

   Divorce: A legal document for married people to hate each other.

   I just want to suffocate, sorry I mean love you.

   If you don't like my Facebook posts, feel free to delete me and solely visit your friends' pages where the biggest news of the day on his/her page is what she had for lunch

   If it behooves me, I don't want it.