Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.

   Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.

   mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe? optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that

   I want Pizza not your opinion

   Don’t forget to ridicule, crush, and then kill what you don’t understand today.

   Tide pods are just cleaning up the people that should have been stains in the first place.

   When a Woman tells you "you're so cute" instead of "You're Hot," it means you are Not all that and you can just get entry to Friend zone

   If you comment or click like on a picture which was posted a year ago, you are a stalker

   I'm selling my browser history on eBay before the government does.

   Nothing like watching the FB movies and seeing the highlights of" most liked posts" of your fiance' with other girlfriends

   I am going to call KFC to make a reservation for Valentine's Day, just to listen to the stammering and confusion from the staff answering the phone

   You know you've been working too hard when you keep dialing a 9 while making a call from your home phone.

   A reminder on one of my dating profiles says "You should be more popular!" I agree.

   So have they made a drink called "Tequila Mockingbird" yet? What the hell are they waiting for?

   My mother taught me to never argue with strangers on the Internet. She said I must agree to meet them in real life, and then punch them in the face.

   Just found on youtube the deleted scene from Sound of Music where the kids keep sneaking back downstairs to the party after being sent to bed

   People tell you to make yourself at home and then get all judgmental when you empty the fridge and fall asleep on the sofa

   "That microwave TV dinner was remarkably delicious and quite filling." ...Said no one ever.

   I thought the trick to makeup was to make it look like you not wearing any and not to look like you shoved your face in a bowl of nacho cheese sauce

   The grocery store in my neighborhood needs to repaint the parking lot near the door to show where the "Just Lazy" parking is.