Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Her: I love that thing you do to make me moan. Me: *makes another plate of nachos*

   Kmart always smells like if Walmart was found dead in its apartment after three days.

   I'm worried my cat isn't eating enough fish skeletons out of trashcans.

   Did this many people have birthdays before Facebook?

   How about a really bad food court where planes land? – Pitch for every airport

   Mind blowing literary fact: all nonfiction books take place in the same shared universe.

   If you need me I'll always be stuck behind the person who doesn't know how to use the CVS self-checkout aisle.

   McDonald's doesn't offer its employees direct deposit. Who's the clown who made that decision??

   Him: are you an early bird or a night owl? Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.

   Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years Me: My driving test went really badly

   Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can't help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.

   Children are the best fundraisers because they don't understand economics: Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat 12 year old me: That is such a great deal

   It's widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words. Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.

   When my girlfriend makes me angry... I look at her through the fork and pretend she's in jail. It heals me spiritually

   [costume party] friend: you're late me, dressed as a sloth: sorry

   Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked

   If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard

   I don't understand people who update their status every 10 minutes to show their friends how exciting their life's are, which are probably not as exciting as they claim if they're staring at Facebook all the time.

   I just sung Mariah Carey's "Hero" to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.

   It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.