Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you have to go to a body of water to catch a water Pokemon, you should have to run into a burning building to catch a fire Pokemon.

   Did you know, the inventor of the headphones worked next to a guy who happily whistled all of the time.

   Pro Tip: Avoid conversations by sitting at the bottom of the pool.

   You're part of the problem if you post a click bait article on Facebook and don't give the ending forcing me to have to click it.

   Well aren't you just a fun little pretty lollipop triple dipped in psycho....

   The closest I get to reading a book is the synopsis of a movie I'm about to watch.

   I learned all I need to know about race relations from watching C.Thomas Howell's heart felt film Soul Man six times.

   A date so bad instead of just saying goodnight you both write Victim Impact Statements.

   Filter pics should come with a Disclaimer" Some objects may appear more beautiful than they realy are"

   You know after a glass of wine...or four...and you tell a friend you started a go fund me page for her kids mental issues..... Just trying to help...

   Me At Job Interview: "And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?"

   I want a man cave, but for women. Still stocked in video games, booze, license plates, and awesome stuff on the wall but with a scented candle.

   The first and last time that I went to Comic Con was when the guy at the costume store sold me a Catwoman costume telling me it was CatMan.

   Follow your dreams. Unless you're a serial killer who wants to work in a circus as a knife thrower. That's just wrong, bro.

   First Night Of Vacation: 3 kids woke up crying, 1 kid peed through her clothes, my wife threw up....so it's going better than last year.

   The Stages Of Eating Pizza: 1) I ate way too much. 2) This hurts. Why am I still eating? 3) One more bite & I’ll die. 4) Just 3 more slices....

   I'm 31 years old. I just walked into a telephone pole playing Pokemon Go. My life turned out pretty much exactly like I expected.

   Friendship Levels: BFF -- Would die for you! Friend -- Helps you move. Acquaintance -- Says hi. Facebook Friend -- Watches you fail from a distance.

   Sorry my toast at your wedding was just the surgeon generals warning with the word marriage replacing the word smoking.

   I have decided to stop paying my psychiatrist. I can post my problems on Facebook, and have all my friends help me for free!