Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes I am busy tweeting and I stop and think, "did a jogger just bounce off my windshield?"

   Sometimes I sit down and wonder what kind of life i’d be living if my parents were really rich.

   Shout out to pizza and sunglasses for being the only thing left to be sold out of huts.

   I’ve never met a nap I didn’t like.

   Don't make me fall in love with your aloof disregard for my existence

   My inner self is in Photoshop

   I really hate conflict........unless you guys like it,in that case I love it.

   NOAH didn't put spiders and insects on the ARK . They snuck in and hid like they do in your house..

   If you leave me a voicemail that asks me to call you back when I get this message,you have nobody to blame but yourself.save your breath send a text.lol😀

   Who called them "homo erectus" and not... Wait, that's actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them "homo erectus".

   rubix cube: the original fidget toy

   Q:Do yo want to know how to tell if you're listening to a Jason Derulo song? A: He will tell you in the first 19 seconds.

   One of the best feelings ever: Waking up and seeing you still have a couple more hours to sleep.

   [at an orgy] I'm starting to think that I'm the only one taking this book club seriously

   My wife thinks I'm too nosey.....at least, that's what she wrote in her diary.

   "I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol."

   I've been building my son's trust for two yrs with high-fives. Today I'm going to hit him with a "too slow". Welcome to the real world, son.

   Wife: Can you pick up milk?... Me: [lifts gallon] Yea sure, it's easy... Wife: I mean from the store.... Me: Umm ok, but I would imagine it weighs the same there too

   Just met a kid named Denim today so yes, I would definitely like another drink.

   The last thing someone who can't decide what to make for dinner needs is 101 different crock pot choices.