Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Well...to be Frank, I'd have to change my name.

   Babysitters are just teenagers who behave like adults so that adults can go out and behave like teenagers.

   If we meet in public and you don't look like your pictures ,you owe me booze until you do.

   Life is an ever expanding list of things that you used to enjoy.

   The key to success is concentration, a skill which can be learned with - oh wow, that cloud looks like Snoopy!

   [first trip on a cruise liner] CAPTAIN: welcome! only rule here is: loose lips sink ships ME: {throws Mick Jagger overboard}

   Oregon Trail was the only game that made dying of dysentery hilarious.

   Don't make me fall in love with your aloof disregard for my existence

   My inner self is in Photoshop

   I really hate conflict........unless you guys like it,in that case I love it.

   NOAH didn't put spiders and insects on the ARK . They snuck in and hid like they do in your house..

   If you leave me a voicemail that asks me to call you back when I get this message,you have nobody to blame but yourself.save your breath send a text.lol😀

   Who called them "homo erectus" and not... Wait, that's actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them "homo erectus".

   rubix cube: the original fidget toy

   Q:Do yo want to know how to tell if you're listening to a Jason Derulo song? A: He will tell you in the first 19 seconds.

   One of the best feelings ever: Waking up and seeing you still have a couple more hours to sleep.

   [at an orgy] I'm starting to think that I'm the only one taking this book club seriously

   My wife thinks I'm too nosey.....at least, that's what she wrote in her diary.

   "I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol."

   I've been building my son's trust for two yrs with high-fives. Today I'm going to hit him with a "too slow". Welcome to the real world, son.