Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Well my imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems....

   President Vladimir Putin downplayed Russia's economic woes on a highly scripted annual call-in TV show. I wish more world leaders would do this....

   I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.

   The last time I had a decent sleep was for nine months when I was in my mom's womb.

   Happy Pretending We Know What We Can & Can't Recycle Day!

   Nothing says' I love my dog' quite like spending more money on his haircut than you do your own.

   Does anyone else need to pee when Elsa sings "Let it Go"?

   Your secrets are safe with me because I literally won’t remember them. This also applies to your birthday. Your birthdays are safe with me.

   I once took a girl to Starbucks because I forgot her name.

   I'm not exactly sure what went down last night. But I woke up in my bed partially clothed, and found business cards in my pocket from a lawyer, a chirpractor, and the Shriners Women's Auxiliary.

   ... Just found out the Feds have funded NASA $3 Billion dollars to calculate the inevitable possibility of a Super Massive Black Hole materializing from the increase of growth of Kanye West's ego & Kim Kardashian's Ass!!!

   With classics like "I like you, but not as much as the rest of our family," I feel our 4 year old would dominate the greeting card industry.

   Tweets on Twitter are actually just brain selfies.

   My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I'll be able to do karate if I'm ever in a fight.

   Internet dating: the odds are good but the goods are odd.

   Waking up begins the countdown of when I can go back to bed....

   Applied at UPS to be a delivery person. I told them I'm used to driving around in a car with no doors.

   You blast George Michael's "I Want Your Sex" from your car in front of a local Sorority House that one time and suddenly you're "that guy".

   it normal to be out of breath when eating a Burrito Supreme?

   I hate when people see me at a grocery store and say, "Hey! What are you doing here?"... I'm like "oh you know, just hunting elephants and stuff..."