Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Your secrets are safe with me because I literally won’t remember them. This also applies to your birthday. Your birthdays are safe with me.

   I once took a girl to Starbucks because I forgot her name.

   I'm not exactly sure what went down last night. But I woke up in my bed partially clothed, and found business cards in my pocket from a lawyer, a chirpractor, and the Shriners Women's Auxiliary.

   ... Just found out the Feds have funded NASA $3 Billion dollars to calculate the inevitable possibility of a Super Massive Black Hole materializing from the increase of growth of Kanye West's ego & Kim Kardashian's Ass!!!

   With classics like "I like you, but not as much as the rest of our family," I feel our 4 year old would dominate the greeting card industry.

   Tweets on Twitter are actually just brain selfies.

   My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I'll be able to do karate if I'm ever in a fight.

   Internet dating: the odds are good but the goods are odd.

   Waking up begins the countdown of when I can go back to bed....

   Applied at UPS to be a delivery person. I told them I'm used to driving around in a car with no doors.

   You blast George Michael's "I Want Your Sex" from your car in front of a local Sorority House that one time and suddenly you're "that guy".

   it normal to be out of breath when eating a Burrito Supreme?

   I hate when people see me at a grocery store and say, "Hey! What are you doing here?"... I'm like "oh you know, just hunting elephants and stuff..."

   So now since Mr. Laden is no longer with us does this mean gas prices are going down ?

   New report: JSOC actually used Usama's iPhone 4 to track him.

   I've started acting like my great grandpa when people are at my house, I sit in my favorite chair and hand them a dish of sh*tty candy.

   Well it turns out, the answer wasn't at the bottom of the bottle, I guess I'll have to check in the other 23...

   With science makes odorless chemicals, why again don't we have odorless alcohol?

   One day I will find a wife. Don't know who's, but I will find her...

   Valentine's Day: Reminding unhappy single people that they're unhappy & single since the 19th century.