Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "No food or beverage." I'm guessing the only rule ignored more than that one is the speed limit.

   you move on because theres nothing else you can do

   It always get awkward when you're on the elevator with a stranger. Especially after you hug him and tell him you're very lonely.

   There is no ‘meant to be.' There is only ‘make it be.'

   UK Secret Intelligence Service (aka MI6). They have their own website with the usual "About Us", "Our Strategy", Our Values" etc... Sorry, but am I missing something here? :-s

   There's something unavoidably attractive about you

   Yeah, I thought I loved you too... but then I realized I just needed to fart.

   The most useless advice in the world: "CHILL OUT"

   Justin Bieber probably payed Mayweather to walk next to him.

   I'm not good at equations but if you throat punch an a$$hole, it equals karma.

   My therapist says the reason I'm not having any sex at all is because I'm married.

   I apologize a lot for someone who is always right.

   Do people who have wind chimes know that not having wind chimes is also an option

   Pen Clicking: When I do it, it's fun....when you do it, it's the most annoying thing on the face of the Earth.

   I don't feel like doing anything today and I hope I can muster enough energy to do that.

   Some days I have everything put together....some days I spit toothpaste in my hair.

   There no room for BS in my life unless it's Burritos and Salsa.

   I've spent 83.2% of my adult life resetting my password.

   If I can hear you chew, just thought you should know that I have fantasized about your death.

   (burglar gently waking me)....You live like this?