Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There is no ‘meant to be.' There is only ‘make it be.'

   Justin Bieber probably payed Mayweather to walk next to him.

   I'm not good at equations but if you throat punch an a$$hole, it equals karma.

   My therapist says the reason I'm not having any sex at all is because I'm married.

   I apologize a lot for someone who is always right.

   Do people who have wind chimes know that not having wind chimes is also an option

   Pen Clicking: When I do it, it's fun....when you do it, it's the most annoying thing on the face of the Earth.

   I don't feel like doing anything today and I hope I can muster enough energy to do that.

   Some days I have everything put together....some days I spit toothpaste in my hair.

   There no room for BS in my life unless it's Burritos and Salsa.

   I've spent 83.2% of my adult life resetting my password.

   If I can hear you chew, just thought you should know that I have fantasized about your death.

   (burglar gently waking me)....You live like this?

   Well my imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems....

   President Vladimir Putin downplayed Russia's economic woes on a highly scripted annual call-in TV show. I wish more world leaders would do this....

   I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.

   The last time I had a decent sleep was for nine months when I was in my mom's womb.

   Happy Pretending We Know What We Can & Can't Recycle Day!

   Nothing says' I love my dog' quite like spending more money on his haircut than you do your own.

   Does anyone else need to pee when Elsa sings "Let it Go"?