Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can't decide whether to install a TV in the bathroom or a urinal in the family room.

   The great thing about insomnia is you have all this extra time to reflect on your suffering and failures.

   Some of us are basically unpaid Facebook interns.

   I like to arrive fashionably late and unfashionably intoxicated

   The Age of Men is over. The Time of the self-killing cars has come!

   Me & my dog lay together for hours a day. Eventually he gets up and goes to lay somewhere else. It hurts my feelings every single time.

   Make sure you wear a fake moustache on your first day at a new job so everyone will think you are the undercover boss

   A friend ask me why I haven't married yet. I said if I didn't have to live with my wife I would get married.

   Next time I open up to someone is my autopsy.

   Does anyone know if Santa will be sending out a progress report?

   [restaurant] waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before? me: no but I know how to order food

   Social Distancing has taken all the sport out of trying to avoid people.

   I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.

   I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.

   GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you. ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’ HER: I need to see other people.

   I'd really like to get personalized license plates for my car but they're so expensive I decided to change my name to XJS-3582

   [at the auto parts store] Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chrysler Counter Guy: What size engine

   The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.

   My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.

   My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.