Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Did it hurt...when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?"--bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person

   Bank robbers give a bad name to people who just want to deposit their check with a mask on.

   My favorite thing about flamenco guitarists is how they can stand on one leg for the entire performance.

   Son: Your makeup looks weird Me: I’m not wearing any

   Caveman 1: Tell me a story. Caveman 2: Once upon a time…. Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!

   At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist

   I just had ice cream WITHOUT sprinkles ... OMG diets sure are hard!!

   Have you ever heard of the theory that if you smell an onion while chewing an apple that it taste like an onion? Words of wisdom, don't chew gum in the restroom

   I like to yell "Don't Forget!" to people as I am leaving so they panic over nothing

   You know you're getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you're down there

   I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.

   I bought an orange blanket. Now if I am late for work I can wrap it around me and say I was just rescued by the fire department

   If Domino's changed their marketing plan to just call me at random times and ask if they could send over a pizza, the answer would be yes every time.

   Karma has no menu. You're served what your deserve

   How can you tell if a man is blind at a nudist colony? It's not hard.

   BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom? ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.

   My calculator is missing the minus button, but on the plus side it still works.

   I'm getting so old, I need to take a nap so I'll have the energy to go to bed. :)

   After my doctor's exam. He gave me a 30 day supply of some pills. And said that I'll need to take them for the rest of my life. I said that's not so bad. He said yea it is, you won't need a refill prescription.

   I have been on hold for the past ten minutes!! If I ever find the guy who invented automated telephone systems, I'm going to give him a choice - Press 1 to be kicked in the a$$, Press 2 to be pushed off a cliff or Press 3 to go to jail.