Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Now that FIFA is over, it's time to get back to your own goals!

   Will you go with me to my therapist tomorrow? He thinks I'm making you up.

   If I'm reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.

   Can my plus one to a wedding be a dog?

   Sometimes it takes me all day to get nothing done.

   relax sit back and have a glass of bleach

   Don't make this weird, that's my job.

   I'd rather stay home and be bored out of my mind than interact with people

   Online dating: Wasting your time since 1995.

   It's not so much that I love karate as that I hate wooden - planks!

   You know when Fall season has shown up. Crappy door wreaths everywhere.

   Would it be legal to have a VERY loud duck-call in place of the more conventional car-horn..if it was operated in the same way?

   I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”

   So many people are obsessed with vampires these days. Who needs vampires when a mortgage and a job are enough to suck the life out of you?

   To 16:58 commet, you're right. Teacher: "How much is a gram?" Tyronne: "It denpends on what you want."

   I love Halloween. You get free candy without having to get into anyone's van.

   If I see 1 more person texting and driving,I'm rolling down my window and throwing my bong at them..

   Possible names for Vegas new NHL team: Aces, Chips, Spades, Cards, High Rollers, Lights, Gamblers, Tourists, Sinners, and Dead Prostitutes.

   Asked to switch seats on the Plane because I was sitting next to a crying baby. Apparently, thats not allowed if the baby is yours.

   Former 3rd world countries are perfect for hipsters. So many abandoned buildings to turn into cafes.