Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just when I thought 2016 couldn't get any worse, I realize my Kohl's cash has expired.

   Maybe I talk to myself because I'm my own therapist

   I don't usually cook... does anyone know how much vodka to put into mashed potatoes

   I would pay so much money to watch the Harlem Globetrotters change a baby!

   Finally fixed the volume on my phone so I can't hear the other person talking.

   Happy Confused Camel Day!!

   "It's December 26. Happy Valentines Day!" - a store near you.

   I'm at the age where I don't party hard I party mildly.

   I don't always contradict myself but when I do I don't

   they say you should never tell a joke about blind people, oh yeah? watch me

   You can never go wrong with medieval technology.

   It sure seems like a lot to learn before a second rodeo...

   Just accidentally took a drink out of someone else’s glass, tell my mom I loved her

   I'd love to hang out with you, but this nap isn't going to take itself.

   So a robot can't figure out which of these pitcures contain a stop sign but anyway we are letting them drive big trucks?

   Alcohol kills!....But on the bright side of that, if it wasn't for alcohol most of my friend's would have never been born.

   This is your yearly reminder to not put bananas in fruit salads

   My wife thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it's cause I'm afraid she might try to poison me.

   Which one of you guys posted that ass ugly selfie that broke facebook??

   Before writing "Thanks but maybe next time!" I should make sure those Facebook invides aren't for a wedding.