Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If someone’s going to ruin things; it might as well be me.

   Tonight, on a very special episode of Friends, a black guy gets on screen somehow....

   Whoever kept Mike and Molly on the air by continually watching it which allowed it to go into syndication,,, I hate you.

   Chitty Chitty Bang Bang is my favorite movie that sounds like a bad Mexican orgy.

   My family crest is a single rotisserie chicken.

   In Gary Johnson's defense, its not easy keeping up with current events when you're stoned all the time.

   Did you know, if you hold an empty bottle of Yellow Tail Chardonnay to your ear you can hear a soccer mom complaining that she didn't get her ranch dressing.

   May your day be just a little bit brighter knowing that even Brad Pitt can get dumped.

   No one wants to watch your Facebook live video from your crappy seats at a football game.

   Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard.

   Add 'sexy' to anything and it instantly becomes a female Halloween costume.

   Why aren't there breakfast bars that taste like bacon and eggs or biscuits and gravy??

   I take all my Christmas pictures a couple months early before I put on all the serious weight.

   Cashier just yelled at me to remove my chip card from the reader like I left a dog in a hot car.

   Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.

   I'd publish my autobiography but it's just a bunch of wine stained blank pages.

   I just want to live in a world where you don't have to update Adobe flash every day

   "Can I at least get work release?" - Hillary Clinton, probably

   Rudy Giuliani is a potential Attorney General. The non-fat yogurt industry is in great peril.,

   it ok to put up a festivus pole before the 1st of December ?