Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   'All you need is love.' and an IQ low enough to believe that....

   Social media is great if you like socializing without wearing pants.

   Roses are red... Violets are Blue .... Vodka costs less than dinner for two

   Well I guess in nine months we will find out which of you were naughty and who was nice.

   My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo, because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.

   Interviewer: You responded to my question too briefly and you were hesitant. Me: I was thinking how stupid your question was!

   I may never understand women but I do know two words never to say to them, "calm down."

   Siri, please delete all the baby videos from everyone's phones you're on.

   Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.

   Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong."

   My cannibal neighbors invited me over for dinner. They must've been upset that I was late. They gave me the cold shoulder.

   Seriously who the hell is still funding and letting Steven Seagul's make movies?

   been single for so long I should change my name to "Kraft"

   I'd publish my autobiography but it's just a bunch of wine stained blank pages.

   I just want to live in a world where you don't have to update Adobe flash every day

   "Can I at least get work release?" - Hillary Clinton, probably

   Rudy Giuliani is a potential Attorney General. The non-fat yogurt industry is in great peril.,

   it ok to put up a festivus pole before the 1st of December ?

   When the moon hits your eye Like a bigger pizza pie,,,, That's a....Supermoon.

   I'm glad Alfac has a float in the #MacysThanksgivingDayParade... Little kids should always be reminded to buy supplemental health insurance.