Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo, because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.

   Interviewer: You responded to my question too briefly and you were hesitant. Me: I was thinking how stupid your question was!

   I may never understand women but I do know two words never to say to them, "calm down."

   Siri, please delete all the baby videos from everyone's phones you're on.

   Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.

   Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong."

   My cannibal neighbors invited me over for dinner. They must've been upset that I was late. They gave me the cold shoulder.

   Seriously who the hell is still funding and letting Steven Seagul's make movies?

   been single for so long I should change my name to "Kraft"

   I'd publish my autobiography but it's just a bunch of wine stained blank pages.

   I just want to live in a world where you don't have to update Adobe flash every day

   "Can I at least get work release?" - Hillary Clinton, probably

   Rudy Giuliani is a potential Attorney General. The non-fat yogurt industry is in great peril.,

   it ok to put up a festivus pole before the 1st of December ?

   When the moon hits your eye Like a bigger pizza pie,,,, That's a....Supermoon.

   I'm glad Alfac has a float in the #MacysThanksgivingDayParade... Little kids should always be reminded to buy supplemental health insurance.

   Can't wait to give my family a touch of salmonella next week

   Are you still making frozen jokes? Let it go

   A cigarette shortens life by 2 min,a beer shortens life by 4 minutes,a Monday at work shortens life by 8 hours

   Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever and it starts over because it forgot something. That's a five year old kid telling a story.