Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.

   "Honk if anyone gets out of my trunk"

   Remember getting your first athletic protective cup as a kid and you and your fellow players would test them by kicking each other in the junk? Or was that just me and my weird friends?

   Can we talk about how crabs are too much stress for the little meat they give?

   You know why it's called almond milk? Cuz you can't say nut juice with a straight face

   Hey Greg, you forgot to add the stripper that gave you chlamydia to your minivan stick family.

   I just assume every Italian person ever has met Rocky

   Hey YouTube, just because I watched one Jimmy Kimmel clip doesn't mean I want to watch every show ever ...

   it ok to taser other people's screaming kids in the supermarket? Asking for me

   genie: so what's your 3rd wish me: I wish you had amnesia genie: so what's your 1st wish

   I already have a "fear" book...my old yearbook

   Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.

   Happy Halloweiner Hillary and Huma

   When people dressed like witches, strippers and hobos show up at my front door it must be Halloween because my family reunion was in July.

   I like to think this spider on my windshield during my morning commute is on his way to his own office job, too. I bet he's a web developer.

   Day one of my waffle cleanse

   Ran into a #PETA nut while walking my dog. He said my dog was my slave. Wonder if he noticed I'm the one carrying the poop in a bag?

   "What do we want?"... "Hearing aids."... "When do we want them?".... "Hearing aids."

   it normal to delete Facebook friends on their birthdays

   it’s almost 2017 and food can still make you fat get your act together science